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Home | Flourishing Relationships | Accepting Differences

Accepting Differences

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | December 2018 (edited October 23, 2021)
Accepting Partner Differences
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The differences give partners the opportunity to express appreciation, building trust and security.
We don’t all respond the same—I may be attracted while you are repelled. Accepting and allowing differences improves relationships—and politics. Differences expose insecurities, threatening stability. Naturally, when two people agree on everything, there is little conflict. Exact matches are a fantasy. Successful relationships must skillfully work through differences.

​The fear is unrealistic; unresolved conflicts can destroy a relationship. Two unhealthy approaches commonly used when faced with normal disparities are to abandon individuality through always sacrificing personal aspirations and needs or attacking any opposing any difference in opinion, action, or desire, utilizing tools of manipulating, berating and criticizing.
Exact matches are a fantasy. Successful relationships must skillfully work through differences.
Compassionate understanding is a better way. Compassionately allowing differences reduces the threat. When an intimate partner reacts differently, we can curiously remain open exploring the differences, creating deeper understanding, not only of our partner but of humanity. Unrealistic expectations of sameness destroy the trust and security of the partnership, always fearful that expressions of self will be met with a critical remark or angry attack.
 
This is the same process of mindfulness used to integrate our emotional experiences, accepting the differences without undue distress. People are naturally different in many ways. Healthy bonding doesn’t happen through elimination of differences but from integrating the differences into a healthy companionship. Oddly, contrasting to old ways of thinking, relationships thrive with acceptance rather than expectations of change. We accept differences and challenge our creativity to mesh those differences with our own oddities, creating a beautiful tapestry of two different but accepting people.

Books on Relationships

Relationships thrive with security. Security is the foundation of attachment theories. Security doesn’t come from avoidance of conflict and smoothness of emotion but from skilled resolutions. When confronted with differences, we are gifted a golden opportunity to create security, showing a partner the acceptance, we have in their individuality, creating an atmosphere for growth of confidence.  A couple that discusses differences and finds workable solutions that navigate through sensitivities create strong bonds. The convey a constant message of acceptance that builds trust. The question evolves from, “why in the world did you do that?” to something more accepting, “you feel differently than I do, how can I better understand what you are feeling?”
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

Index:

Flourishing in Life
  • Personal Development
  • Mindfulness
  • Addiction Recovery
  • Wellness 
Psychology of Wellness
  • Emotions​
  • Personality
  • Defense Mechanisms
Flourishing Relationships
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About Flourishing Life
Wellness Links:
External Link: Relational Hurt or Attachment Injury? How to Tell the Difference
External Link: Disagreeing Takes up a Lot of Brain Real Estate
External Link. keep your relationship healthy and happy
External Link: Neuroscientists Find Thin Line Between Love and Hate
External Link. Spark My Development. 12 Tips For An Effective Communication Strategy

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

FLS link. Compromise in Relationships
Internal Link. True Love takes Time: True love matures into trust, where both partners contribute to the well-being of the other.
Betrayals are not only sexual. We can betray intimacy by divulging details, violating trust, and painting our partners as devils in disguise.
Internal Link. Vulnerability in Relationships
It Shouldn't Be this Way. Accepting Life the Way It Is. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Internal link. Building Trust
Relationship Drama article link.
The instant attachment, finding a soul mate, sounds like a fairy tale; but often is laced with hidden problems. Take it slow.
The intimacy and trust of long relationships are built from dedicated mature partners, working together, giving respect, and compiling positive interactions.
FLS Link. Entangled relationships
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Feeling Felt and validation of emotions
FLS Link. Entangled relationships
FLS Links. Dislike: Our Autonomous Right. We want to be accepted; but to establish boundaries of ethics, and personality, we will rub some other people wrong. Liking isn't necessary to respect.
Internal link banner. Self-importance and Vulnerability: We want to be more than a speck on a fast moving planet.  Healthy relationships create a feeling of importance, inclusion in a meaningful partnership; but at the cost of vulnerability.
Small emotions, poking through from the past, can avalanche into full blown hatred. We must catch the mislabeling of experience, make corrections and work towards building a relationship with love an intimacy.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Fear of Abandonment
Internal Link: The differences between people give partners an opportunity to build trust and security.
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