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Home | Personal Development | Self-Compassion Archive | Be Kind to Your Self

Be Kind to Your self

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | April 2017 (edited June 10, 2021)
A little girl in a red dress, giving herself a hug. A Flourishing Life Society article on being kind to yourself.
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Before change is possible, we must be kind to ourselves. ​Change requires a supportive environment
What was that? Another missed opportunity! We miss opportunities by failing to recognize them. Our ship comes in but sails out to sea while we are still packing our bags. An old-street-worn sergeant routinely reminded, “luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” Doing the right things, at the right times to obtain long-term intentions is complex. Sadly, many live lives that they regret, constantly missing opportunities and then ascribing the injustice to their personals insufficiencies. They let lose a gruesome inner ogre that constantly berates and harshly judges, hoping the meanness will motivate self improvement—not likely.

Motivation for Change

​Motivation is complex. Our feelings, thoughts and behaviors are pushed and pulled by many forces. These forces motivate action—or inaction. Some forces are obvious, while others obscure. Without careful examination, unchallenged, unrecognized compulsions limit opportunities and constrain freedoms.
"A person's intrinsic enjoyment of an activity provides sufficient justification for their behavior." 
Richard A. Griggs
Mindful exploration of self exposes motivations and habitual reactions. Protective thoughts adopted in childhood lose effectiveness in adulthood—but we still employ them. Unseen these adaptations sneak into our lives, motivate harmful action (or thoughts) and then fail to inspire change.

​When a  child depends on unpredictable people, they exist in a frightening world. Life is scary. In order psychologically survive, the child employs thought mechanisms to provide a measured sense of control. As adults, effective action serves us better than distorting thoughts. We have greater power to create security by evaluating multiple options.

Constructive action begins with an inner confidence to curiously explore options, experimenting, reflecting and committing. We can't courageously work through the uncertainty if we continually listen to the inner demons screaming, "You can't do this!"
"Unseen these adaptations sneak into our lives, motivate harmful action (or thoughts) and then fail to inspire change."

Self Compassion

​Many childhood defenses fail to serve this productive purpose—and they limit growth. Protective adaptations originally made life livable; but now confine. We need greater self-awareness softened with self-compassion.

​Awareness exposes faults; compassion accepts them. Human imperfection is acceptable. With gentle compassion, recognizing faults isn’t as threatening. Without compassion the fear of not being good enough immobilizes productive action. Compassion teaches us that we are good enough, even with our faults.

The bottom line is you need to be kind to yourself. We all need self directed kindness. Our self kindness establishes a secure environment for curious strivings into the unknown.
"​Pay attention to those things that you’re saying to yourself — especially when you’re having a hard time or you feel like you’ve made a mistake. Take a minute and actively think about how you would talk to a friend in the same situation."
IDONTMIND
The compulsion to be perfect isn’t a personal choice—it has deep causes. But facing and managing the immobilizing fear is essential for progress. We must challenge the fearful thoughts that push success beyond our reach.

Fear isn’t an illness; it is a product of the human mind. We can find comfort through just being nice to ourselves, knowing we will be challenged; but after an initial stumble, we courageously stand back up, dust off our knees and move forward.
 
Over time, self-confidence grows from repeatedly and successfully addressing imperfections—although the blemishes remain. The welcoming of our human imperfection initiates an exciting journey into self-discovery where greater freedoms and opportunities reside. We grow because our self-focused positive regard (being nice to ourselves) creates security that, perhaps, we missed in our broken childhoods.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

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A Flourishing Life Society article image link. Self Determination
Personal Development. A Flourishing Life Society article data base link

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

Self hate. Overcoming self hate. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Embracing Our Inner Child. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Facing Imperfection. Compassion with weakness. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Flourishing Life Society Link. Self-care or Selfish Care: We need to care for ourselves. We have limited strength to interact with others and the world. We must be cautious to not use self-care as an excuse to abandon the world. With rejuvenated strength, we can engage and attune to others.
We need a sense of security to thrive. If we are continually frightened, we will pull into ourselves and limit opportunity.
FLS Link: Hope Theory: Motivation to Succeed. Hope is more than an optimistic reliance on unseen forces. Hope, according to Hope Theory, is a combination of three elements: realistic goals, energetic determination, and intelligent pursuit.
FLS Link. Self-forgiveness: Genuine self-forgiveness is a process of accepting responsibility, working through the emotions, repairing damage, and recommitting to values.
Opptimisitic mindsets can improve our emotions
The human ability to share intelligence catapults our species into a different realm of existence. Knowledge accumulates from generation to generation. However, the concepts are muddied with bias, amazingly resistant to change.
Emotional Patterns. When Emotional Reactions Hurt. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Living is serious business, give yourself a break. Harsh judgments hurt the soul and slow progress.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Finding Peace
Happy with Where We Are. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Drawing wisdom from Experience
Eckart Tolle's Pain Body. A Flourishing Life Society article link
​We want joy; But Life is more than joy. Sometimes life hurts.

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Before change is possible, we must have a realistic view of the self that is in need of changing. ​Change requires self-examination; but gentle, compassionate examination.
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