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Home  | Flourishing Relationships | Divorce and Break up Article Archive | Being Wronged

Being Wronged

Healing from Hurtful Pasts

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | July 2018 (edited March 15, 2022)
A lady sitting on couch with head in hands. A Flourishing Life Society article on relationship betrayal
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The past doesn't disap​pear. When betrayed, the hurt lingers and interferes with future relationships.
The experience of living, although felt in a single moment, extends both forward and backward, incorporating the past and projecting onto the future. We live in the moment, yes; but that moment is not isolated from either the past nor the future. NOW is the point in time where everything exists. Past hurt shines dull rays on the present, powerfully limiting and coloring new experience, connecting the moment to significant events already gone by. The action in the present prepares the soil for the upcoming tomorrows. Relationships of the past and in the future live in the complexity of the present.

Painful experience marks our soul with warnings, weighing heavily on current choices. Painful memories persistently dull excitement to chase novel pursuits, pushing a more protective approach. The broken hearts from the painful and biting break-ups, menacingly harrow the soul, casting fear of newness, and interfering with open exploration of promising new relationships. We have been wronged and prefer not to be foolish enough to be wronged again.

Betrayal of Trust

​Betrayed trust encourages future withholding. The throbbing memories flood from the past, magnify the possibility of dangers in the present, leading to protective choices. A protective stance has trade-offs. The guardedness may prevent unsavory connections; but also caught in this limiting net is the opportunities for intimacy.  Unfortunately, Pain is unavoidable—part of living. If avoidance drives choice, we limit joy. Unhealthy fear hinders pursuit of the beautiful. Growth demands occasional brushes with discomfort.

Key Concept:

Betrayed trust impacts our ability to trust, shatters beliefs, and requires healing.
Fear strangles action essential to create the richness and joy we desire. Recognizing fear, instead of justifying retreat, is the first step to change. Only through recognition can we confront the demons. We can effectively reframe the histories to gain wisdom—not fear.
"The throbbing memories flood from the past, magnify the possibility of dangers in the present, leading to protective choices."
Courageously we must march beyond the protective walls; but in moderation. Too much, too soon overwhelms. Carefully examine the painful past to invite wisdom and avoid obvious repeats; but instead of focusing on the nagging bitterness of being "wronged!" ponder the lessons learned, make improvements and open up to the opportunities available.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

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Wellness Links:
External Link: 7 Surprising Signs You Are Headed for an Abusive Relationship
External Link: 3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships
External Link: The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children
External Link. The Lasting Lovers Mindset
External Link: Is Jealousy Healthy in a Relationship?
External Link: A Year-by-Year Guide to Your Risk of Divorce
External Link. How to be a more thoughtful and generous partner in your relationship
External Link: Why Arguing Doesn’t Work--and What to Do Instead
External Link: Disagreeing Takes up a Lot of Brain Real Estate

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

FLS Link: Disposable Relationships: The world has changed. Stability has been shaken. We jump from opportunity to opportunity in employment, housing and interests. We shouldn't let this fast pace also interfere with stable long relationships. They are too valuable for our wellness.
Love at first sight is a fairy tale. The first look may knock our socks off; But real love takes work.
The narcissist presents a special challenge on relationships. The characteristics common for a narcissist typically are disastrous for relationships. Often escape is the best recourse.
Relationship Drama article link.
Flourishing Life Society Link. Empathy in Relationships
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Commitment Issues
FLS Link: Gaslighting: A techniques common to controlling narcissists is gaslighting. The controller creates instability by creating revolving realities. We fight this through individuality and protective boundaries.
Loving someone includes respect; respect of their space, privacy, and freedom. Sometimes loving requires painful good-byes
Some concepts of forgiveness cross into smug self-righteousness, others create personal harm by ignoring lessons that shouldn’t be forgotten. But moving forward from injury by abandoning grudges serves us and society well.
A Flourishing Life Society article image link. Saving a Relationship with thoughts
Betrayals are not only sexual. We can betray intimacy by divulging details, violating trust, and painting our partners as devils in disguise.
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A Flourishing Life Society article link. Being Wronged
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