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Home | Flourishing Relationships | Relationships Don't Self Destruct

Relationships Don't Self-Destruct

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | June 2018 (edited November 28, 2021)
A young couple sitting together, looking over a small city in the valley below. A Flourishing Life Society article on preserving our relationships
Adobe Stock Images
We build or destroy our relationships one small action at a time.
Relationships don’t deteriorate without a cause, active forces pound against the bonds strengthening or destroying the connection. Usually, one negative interaction—depending
on the severity—doesn’t leave us abandoned and alone. The relationship is destroyed by accumulating negative happenings—the disappointments, the aloneness, the selfishness, and the anger.  The nasty interactions slowly chip away at the positive feelings, leaving interactions laced with fear and resentment.


We usually have time to reexamine our path. Questioning past actions and replacing them with something a little kinder. Slowly transforming feels of dread with each other to warm feelings of love. Action is the building blocks of success. Positive action strengthens connection. We will make mistakes that lead to conflicts. These don’t feel good but are a part of the growing process.
"Over time, people fail to give proper attention to their partner and the relationship they share. This usually isn't caused by malice. Rather, couples stop making kind gestures to each other because of mistaken assumptions about the nature of lasting love." 
Barbara Markway Ph.D.  |  Psychology Today
​Mistakes will not be erased with an apology or an excuse but may be forgiven in light of the constant stream of other positive interactions. Still the good moments must far outweigh the bad. We should expect that when a partner returns home for work that the feelings will be positive. We can trust in a warm accepting experience.

Ten Destructive Relationship Behaviors

  • Yelling
  • Criticizing
  • Nagging and nit-picking 
  • Disagreeableness
  • Passive-Aggressiveness
  • Withholding Love
  • Emotionally Disengaged
  • Not Giving Full Attention
  • Lying and Deception
  • Defensiveness

Little Behaviors Add Up

Overtime, many neglect the little moments—the bad mood from work is projected onto the family. Hurts, aggravations and angry retorts easily become the norm. Reuniting in the evening isn’t warmly anticipated but poisoned with anxiety, wondering whether the mood will be good or bad.
 
When negative experiences accumulate, they color the present. Even an earnest apology doesn’t replace the past. The emotional hurt remains tucked away, waiting to be recalled when future behaviors demonstrate lack of contriteness. We bury the hatchet with the handle sticking-up—just in case.
"Hurts, aggravations and angry retorts easily become the norm." 

A Surprise: The Relationship in Shambles

You may eventually ask, "What happened to the love we once shared?" But a careful examination usually exposes a lengthy pattern of neglect, abuse, or apathy. Instead of purposely building the relationship, somewhere along the way, it became comfortable and then neglected.
"At some point in the marriage, typically early on, bad relationship behavior begins to surface and often becomes the source of a lot of conflict. These behaviors often contribute to a decline in our loving feelings."
Dr. Cole Ratcliffe
To avoid surprises we must be mindful of changing environments. Underlying feelings slowly morph from loving, to tolerant, to destructive. When we astutely catch these transformations early, we can intervene, reinfuse the relationship with love and avoid an untimely divorce or emotional divide.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

  • Equality
  • Loyalty
  • Honesty
  • Personal Responsibility
  • Autonomy (Freedom for Individual Pursuits)
  • Compassion
  • Respect
  • Trust
  • ​Open Communication
No relationship is perfect. We all must work on relationship skills. Natural tendencies of selfishness invade when we our comfortable and secure. Oddly, healthy relationships invite comfort and comfort invites slacking. We stop engaging with healthy relationship behaviors. We become sloppy and the health of the relationship suffers.

Signs of an  Unhealthy Relationship

  • Intense Emotions (Love-Hate)
  • Separate Hidden Lives
  • Little Attention
  • Loneliness
  • Partner Sabotage
  • Belittling
  • No Shared Interests
  • ​Deflecting Responsibility
  • ​Betrayal
  • ​Superficial Conversation
We must avoid this slow drift to destruction by mindfully identify negative interactions—even the best relationships have them--and then establish a healthy pattern of positive, trust building behaviors. Soon the anxieties transform, filling moments with warmth, trusting our partner will respect and be kind. The relationship is spared from self-destruction by our active building.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

Index:

Flourishing in Life
  • Personal Development
  • Mindfulness
  • Addiction Recovery
  • Wellness 
Psychology of Wellness
  • Emotions​
  • Personality
  • Defense Mechanisms
Flourishing Relationships
  • Intimate
  • Parent/Child
  • Society
Health and Fitness
Research
About Flourishing Life
A wave of pop psychology, suggesting happiness is paramount,often neglects the importance of others. We can improve the feeling states. But science is clear, rich and fulfilling lives include healthy connections with others.
Happily Ever After. Disappointments, Annoyances, and Other Relationship Imperfections. A Flourishing Life Society article link

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

FLS Link. Emotions and Empathy. The feelings of living come to life, pushing experience into a new aliveness. For some feelings are scary and they avoid deep contact with feeling experience. This not only limits their experience but interferes with connection to others.
Attachment Injury. Breaches of Trust in Critical Moments. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
Small emotions, poking through from the past, can avalanche into full blown hatred. We must catch the mislabeling of experience, make corrections and work towards building a relationship with love an intimacy.
Cultural patterns influence the gender roles in relationships, often contributing to the dissatisfaction and eventual dissolution of the bond. We must direct attention to these imbalances of power and create equality.
Unrecognized Emotions. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Blaming the Partner. Taking Personal Responsibility for Improving Your Relationship. A Flourishing Life Society article link
After the Love is Gone. A Flourishing Life Society article  link
The intimacy and trust of long relationships are built from dedicated mature partners, working together, giving respect, and compiling positive interactions.
A Flourishing Life Society internal article link. Unconditional Love
A Flourishing Life Society article image link. Saving a Relationship with thoughts
The strength of the relationship is exposed by how we treat a partner when irritable, or stressed. Love requires intentional action.
Relationship Drama. A Flourishing Life Society  article link.
Relationships Don't Self-Destruct. One Small Act at a Time. A Flourishing Life Society article link
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