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Home  | Flourishing Relationships | Building Love

Building Love

Block by Block; Word by Word

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | January 2015 (edited December 24, 2021)
Soul Mate
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Love is created not found. We naturally are attracted; but from attraction we build lasting love.
Attraction happens; intimacy is created. The passive participant doesn’t earn the reward of intimacy. We must create intimacy through consistency of action; not blind reactions dictated by emotions. We have little control over attraction; biological makeup and social upbringing influence attraction. We are attracted or repelled (or indifferent). We over simplify, confusing the underlying tugging of our heart strings that push us closer or draw us away as either love or hate; they are just learned preferences. Love is much more than a preference.

Romantic novels and movies thrive on mysterious attractions and their uncanny power to provoke stupidity. But the boring work between 'falling in love' and happily-ever-after is often ignored. Hollywood recognizes the grind of building bonds doesn't have romantic appeal, too boring for a two-hour romance.

The normal conflict and resolutions of new love appears dysfunctional on the silver screen. When lovers in the real world discover differences, the shocking pull to reality dislodges the idealism of attraction (soul mates, love at first sight). It is at these cross roads that partners that the blistering work of bonding begins. Reality grounds the ecstatic joys of a soul mate, introducing the work of reconciling differences. When the relationship morphs from fantasy to reality, we may errantly ask, “What’s wrong with my partner?”

Adjusting as the Relationships Develops 

Our response to the changing landscape of connection is critical; choices either strengthen bonds or destroy them. We may discover toxic traits that first were suspiciously hidden. Breaking free from a destructive attachment may be appropriate when dangerous truths are revealed. While we had minimum control over the initial attraction, we do, however, have significant control over the continued direction of the relationship.

We should exam new surprising revelations exposed as the relationship drifts back to reality, revealing the true character of the once mysterious lover.
 
Romance energizes the soul, thrilling our experience. We should enjoy the flashes of exhilaration from the euphoric rendezvous in a glorious fantasy world, where those nagging unmet needs are momentarily satisfied. If too protective, we miss out on these spectacular feelings, dousing the romantic flames with skeptical fear; enjoy first.

​Soon enough, time will reveal whether the relationship is worth preserving or stinks of spoil. In the beginning stages, little is known, attraction is king and the relationship feels perfect. The romance feels natural and undemanding; falsely suggesting no strenuous work will ever be required. The feelings promise enduring happiness; a fairy tale ending to our own story.
"If too protective, we miss out on these spectacular feelings, dousing the romantic flames with skeptical fear; enjoy first."

We See New Partners Differently

Because we know little about new partners, we fill the gaps with bright idealistic qualities. We assume the best, assigning positive motivations, and ignoring a few blips of bothersome shortcomings.

​Over time, we bond, relying more on each other for security, forming a connection that creates the beginning of vulnerability. Character traits are illuminated, and flaws more apparent. Soon realities replace the idealistically filled gaps. The momentary illusions of stress free love dissipate with the frightening realization that our hurts, fears, and unhealthy desires still haunt our souls. Pasts still remain.
 
The greater the childhood hurts, and the more traumatic the suffering, the greater the desire for an idealistic partner to gallantly will save us from reoccurring pains. Perhaps this hope drives the desire for a rapturous new lover that will solve the anxious lovers troubles. The fantasies block normal wisdom and skepticism. Some foolishly charge across several states to meet their proclaimed soul mate, recently discovered on-line.

​A few emotionally charged e-conversations seem sufficient to induce insanity. The hopeful (mostly unknown) lover seldom rescues the broken heart, eventually leaving more hurt in the wake.

Desperately In Need of Acceptance

Perhaps, those harboring an injured soul, who have deep fears of intimacy, may be less inclined to scrutinize potential partners. Their blindness creates a greater susceptibility to predators who purposely project perfection while hiding serious characteristic flaws; both partners hiding hurts, social fears, and unrealistic expectations until a bond of codependency is forged.

​The painful cycle then repeats causing further harm, dragging the couple to new depths of hell, denying the security desperately sought. Instead of healing, the new relationship inflicts new injuries.
 
By mindfully watching our relationships, attuning to accompanying feelings and reactions, our inspection may illuminate warning signs early, unveiling dangerous incongruent behaviors and distorted explanations.

We will never find perfection; but we may discover a caring human being willing to co-create intimacy, working with us to build foundations of trust and hope, while providing the warmth necessary for healing. There are no short-cuts. Careful and concerted efforts of openness, acceptance and compassion build the framework for the happily-ever-after ending that would please Hollywood. Secure relationships, created with care, eventual nourish our wounded souls, giving freedom from the demons of our pasts. The new bond carefully forged can weather many storms and make us smile.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

Index:

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External Links:
External Link. Personal Intimacy as an Overlooked Antidepressant
External Link: 8 Toxic Phrases That Destroy Relationships In Seconds
External Link: Turning an Unhappy Marriage into a Happy One
External Link. Gossip fosters intimacy and even saves lives
External Link: 8 Warning Signs Your Wife Wants To Leave
External Link: A Culture Of Appreciation
External Link: 8 Secrets of Competent Childrearing

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

FLS link: Emotional Intimacy | Creating Space for sharing. A psychological battle of opposing needs requires purposeful effort to meet both safety and belonging needs.
Relationship Drama article link.
FLS Link. Entangled relationships
Flourishing Life Society article on Love and Fear
Repair Attempts. An article image link
Love at first sight is a fairy tale. The first look may knock our socks off; But real love takes work.
The strength of the relationship is exposed by how we treat a partner when irritable, or stressed. Love requires intentional action.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Feeling Felt and validation of emotions
Intimacy requires more than attraction. Intimacy  is the crowning reward to dedicated attention to the person we love.
Internal Link. Vulnerability in Relationships
Relationships take hard work. We desire companionship but often are lost on achieving closeness. Intimacy can be gained through persistent and mindful work.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Shared Emotions
Small emotions, poking through from the past, can avalanche into full blown hatred. We must catch the mislabeling of experience, make corrections and work towards building a relationship with love an intimacy.
Link: The Need to Please. The choice between self and others is the basic human dilemma. There is no final answer, finding balance requires constant appraisal and adjustments.
Internal link. Building Trust
FLS link. Compromise in Relationships

Flourishing Life Society Article Collections:

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Mindfulness article archive link
health and Fitness article archive link
Psychology article archive link
Meaning article archive link
Abuse article archive link
Internal Link. Building Love: Love is created not found. We naturally are attracted; but from attraction we build lasting love.
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