Communicating with our Hearts Listening for Intimate Communication BY: Troy Murphy | April 2015
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Exchanging words, spitting them carelessly off our tongue isn’t communication. We often confuse speaking with communication. We feel emotion in our bodies, blurt out sounds—air rattling chords and spewing between the lips; a partner responds to our nonsensical words and we believe we’ve communicated. Babies communicate much more effective than this long before they mutter their first word. Many adults fear open communication; so, we replace communication with empty and destructive words. We are communicating, in a way, not the meaning of our words, per se, but the loud burst of I don’t care what you feel or think. The sharp barbs of fear create a barrier that communication can’t cross. True communication may challenge personal positions, shake security, and demand change. We often refuse to receive these messages. We don’t want to hear we’ve caused anger, hurt or sadness. Instead of digesting the deeper meanings of feeling, we interrupt, change directions, projecting easier truths to follow. We attack, defend or shut down, leaving our partners feeling unfelt. Each partner experiences the bland emptiness of unreceived message.
During the critical developmental years, many children experience limited and broken communications. The heritage that will sickly pass from one generation to the next until courageously confronted and corrected. The child lacking healthy examples, struggles with intimacy in adulthood. Often these children partner with those also handicapped, both seeking connection, but clueless on implementations. The struggling couple battle to fulfill needs using interactions riddled with defensiveness, manipulations, threats, and projections. These dramatic exchanges cripple connection. Both partners feel unfelt.
Nasty communication stoppers lurk beneath consciousness, creeping into words, showing through facial expressions, impeding connection, and effectively dividing partners, leaving them feeling unfelt and disconnected. We must eliminate communication stoppers to enjoy intimacy; not a simple task. We usually overlook passive-aggressive snipes, defensiveness and subtle attacks because the communication gaps that destroy connection have always existed in our environments. The poor examples of bonding blend unnoticed into every important relationship. To succeed, we must expertly pull these communication bombs out of our repertoire and defuse them.
We must communicate with mindfulness, aware of the emotions residing in the body. We can’t clearly communicate feelings if they remain murky. When we are chaotic, we can’t interact with order. Communication between two people has a purpose, seeking answers to unknown questions. When underlying the words is confusion and frustration, expressing these discomforts to a partner is difficult; receiving these messages is also difficult. But partners struggling to convey these feelings can still be comforted. Parents, when caring for an infant, occasionally encounter confusing communications. The child is insoluble; his diaper is dry, his tummy is full, and he has been burped—but continues to cry. Good parents, while unaware of the cause, continue to hold and comfort the child. Tired from our own cares, troubles an anxiety, surviving the sleepless nights requires tremendous emotional strength. But with a romantic partner, where our security is tightly wound to their acceptance, unknown disruptions rock our emotional stability.
"We must communicate with mindfulness, aware of the emotions residing in the body. We can’t clearly communicate feelings if they remain murky. When we are chaotic, we can’t interact with order."
Once we identify feelings, knowing the message we wish to convey, we still must proceed cautiously. Sharing poignant feelings easily threatens a partner’s security. Some emotional repression has been shown to benefit long relationships. When sharing, we should carefully begin, using a calm tone at an appropriate time, guarding against deviations from the topic, and constantly reassuring the security of the connection. Everybody has an emotional threshold, ignoring a partner’s emotional limitations is disastrous. Their flooded system stymies reception and intended messages remain undelivered. Honest communications over a specific incident may quickly morph into character insults. We originally desired to discuss a specific hurt; but the issue gets lost in generalities. The specific triggering event simply segues into the vicious reoccurring argument over power, victimhood, and rightness. The new issue remains uncommunicated and unresolved. Instead of connecting through problem resolution, the aroused emotions from new hurtful comments further resentments, planting each partner firmer in their self-righteous interpretations, blaming the other for the faltering relationship. Instead of healing wounds, the poor delivery inflicts new injury, damaging trust. The relationship has repeatedly proved to be unsafe for openness. Vulnerability through openness serves no purpose, only creating painfully repercussions.
Usually the problem disrupting healthy exchange is not singular; both partners share in the blame and must examine their roles to this hurtful merry-go-round. The conversations move from attacks to counterattacks, deeply entrenching each partner into protective worn out routines. The pattern of communication threatens every bodies safety, even the tender eyes of the next generation watching and learning about love.
Intimate Communication: An open communication between two people allowing ideas to pass back and forth. The communication extends beyond words sharing emotions, hopes and dreams.
Voicing hurt is difficult. Sharing hurt may ignite defensiveness because of the unsaid but interpreted blame. Loud and clear the message arrives, whether intended or not, “I hurt because of YOU.” Criticisms often feel like rejection. Security is disrupted. These corrective conversations dangerously unsettle hope. Actions, facial expressions, and tones expose underlying feelings—even if words are vague. We must master these critical moments, delivering clear messages within a framework that is able to be received.
If communication has been missing, with neither partner capable of artfully expressing hurt, we must slowly integrate feelings back into the relationship. A partner previously bombarded with cutting flogs of their shortcomings, will not immediately and welcomingly receive correction. The damaged connection will require time to heal. We can for prepare for intimacy by strengthening security with genuine expressions of appreciation, acceptance and love. John Gottman suggests a ratio of five positive communications to a single negative. Negative comments damage closeness; too much aggression and going home becomes dangerous. This applies even when the comments are warranted, where a real difference needs to be addressed, or a protective response to a boundary that was crossed. We eventually must communicate hurts; but the success of these critical communications depends on the previous groundwork being applied, strengthening the growing bonds. Security needs nurturing. No one can weather a constant storm of complaints without the necessary replacing and securing of weakening shingles.
Differences don’t destroy a relationship; but the manner we communicate those differences might. Differences are threatening. When we effectively communicate about perceived difference, reassuring with love, the differences become less threatening. We discover our partners more willing to accommodate our expertly expressed and non-accusing feelings.
We communicate to create a bond not to force change. A secure partner can listen without underlying feelings of reproach. Important communications will continue to provoke emotions even with skilled presentation. Often much is at stake. But by processing the disrupting emotions with calmness, suppressing some of the unneeded fluff helps maintain essential openness where intimacy dwells. We’re not repressing the strong emotions, ignoring their existence, but soothing them, allowing openness not to be invaded by fear. When emotions approach our threshold, we must disengage and step away to regain composure. Likewise, if a partner is reaching their limits, we also must step back and allow them to disengage. We can’t jam a message down the suffocating throat of an over-stimulated partner.
The goal is for both partners to feel felt and respected; this can occur even when opinions remain un-reconciled. Communication is an art, never perfected but easily improved. Reach down into your heart discover what is there, reach into your partners heart, and discover what is there. Open the pathway between each other, uninhibited by the protecting egos, and communicate with your hearts.