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Escaping an Abusive Relationship

Gentle Encouragement; Without Blame
BY: T. Franklin Murphy | February 1, 2013 (modified January 30, 2023)

A picture of a woman with a tear streaming down her face. A Flourishing Life Society article onDomestic Violence.
Adobe Stock Images
Domestic violence sneaks in and destroys beautiful lives. There is escape; there is support. 


I proceed with gentleness because of the sensitivity of this topic—domestic violence.
 
 The emotionally destructive relationship is an epidemic. We are surrounded by violence. These painful relationships quietly pull the unwilling and unknowing participants in, using gentle webs of deceit. Often the dangerousness of the partner is unknown until the victims are deeply enmeshed in the relationship.

​The stigma associated with abusive relationships compounds difficulties. Even after the victim recognizes the abuse, they discover that seeking help is difficult. First recognizing the problem, then escaping the danger often is a process that takes years, robbing precious time. The abuse harms psychological health, narrowing deep examinations, strangling growth and inviting deceptive coping mechanisms. Abusive relationships create the fertile ground for dysfunctional thinking.
​
Picture

​A victim of a vicious attack, with staples still holding together the gashing wound from a ferocious strike, lashed out at investigative questions, “you are blowing this way out of control.” The mind steps forward, lessens the crime, and excuses a partner's injustice. It's what our mind does.


"Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone; it does not discriminate. Abuse happens within heterosexual relationships and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels."  ~Help.org
​


The cycle of violence (love, anger, violence, sorrow) is an informative pictograph but is incomplete. The cycle focuses on only a fraction of the felt experience, skipping the deep feelings intimately part of each station of the cycle. A victim endures a myriad of powerful emotions, behaviors, unhealthy needs, insecurities, and faulty thinking that play primary roles in this life-destroying-cycle; both partners contribute and pay a significant price.
 
The courage to break free requires many resources—both internal and external.


Escape is Possible

​The good news is that escape is possible. Millions escape the violence and move forward with a better life. They obtain freedom by humbly accepting the reality and courageously reaching for help.


"I saw absolutely no way out and was convinced that he would carry-out these threats if I ever left, so I stayed."  ~Mekisha Jane Walker


The abuser’s promises, small improvements, and apologizes are often shallow, just another turn in the on-going drama. Hope derived from short-term changes are shattered many times over, leaving the victim feeling ashamed and stupid. Through the goodness of their hearts they nurture the kindness of hope, believing their partner will change.
 
None are perfect; we all struggle. But no one deserves abuse. There is no excuse. Accept the rottenness of this behavior for what it is—unwarranted, unhealthy, and destructive. Seek guidance, find support, and find peace.

Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:
The narcissist presents a special challenge on relationships. The characteristics common for a narcissist typically are disastrous for relationships. Often escape is the best recourse.
Emotional Abuse: Psychological Warfare Over Control. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Polyvictimization. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Relationship Drama article link.
Adaptive Survival Style. The Five Adaptive Styles to Developmental Trauma. Flourishing Life Society article link
FLS Link. Recovering from a Toxic Relationship: Healing from relationship hurts takes time. We can aid healing through these practices.
Trauma Hangover. The damaging fears after a bitter relationship. A Flourishing Life Society article link
FLS Link: Dark Triad Personalities
Painfully Close a Door. Is It Time to Leave. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Complex Trauma. Psychology definition and discussion. Flourishing Life Society article link
Masochistic Personality Traits. A Flourishing Life Society psychology definition.
Emotional Dysregulation. Out-of-Control Emotions. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Emotional Safety. Courageously allowing vulnerable openness in relationships. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Toxic Home Environment. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
Sadist. A Personality Type. A Flourishing Life Society image article link
Domestic Violence strikes people of all races, classes and genders. We must help.
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