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Flourishing in Life  | Relationships | Gentle Encouragement

Escaping an Abusive Relationship

Gentle Encouragement; Without Blame

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | February 2013 (edited 2019)
A picture of a woman with a tear streaming down her face. A Flourishing Life Society article onDomestic Violence.
Adobe Stock Images
Domestic violence sneaks in and destroys beautiful lives. There is escape; there is support. 
I proceed with gentleness because of the sensitivity of this topic—domestic violence.
 
 The emotionally destructive relationship is an epidemic. We are surrounded by violence. These painful relationships quietly pull the unwilling and unknowing participants in through gentle webs of deceit. Often the dangerousness of the relationship is unknown until the victims are deeply enmeshed in the relationship.

​The stigma associated with abusive relationships compounds difficulties. Even after the victim recognizes the abuse, they discover that seeking help is difficult. First recognizing the problem, then escaping the danger often is a process that takes years, robbing precious time. The abuse harms psychological health, narrowing deep examinations, strangling growth and inviting deceptive coping mechanisms. Abusive relationships create the fertile ground for dysfunctional thinking.

Picture
A victim of a vicious attack, with staples still holding together the gashing wound from a ferocious strike, lashed out at investigative questions, “You are blowing this way out of control.” The mind steps forward, lessens the crime, and excuses the injustice. It's what are mind does.
"Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone; it does not discriminate. Abuse happens within heterosexual relationships and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels."
Help.org

The cycle of violence (love, anger, violence, sorrow) is an informative pictograph but is incomplete. The cycle focuses on only a fraction of the felt experience, skipping the deep feelings intimately part of each station of the cycle. A victim endures a myriad of powerful emotions, behaviors, unhealthy needs, insecurities, and faulty thinking that play primary roles in this life-destroying-cycle; both partners contribute and pay a significant price.
 
The courage to break free requires many resources—both internal and external.

Escape is Possible

The good news is that escape is possible. Millions escape the violence and move forward with a better life. They obtain freedom by humbly accepting the reality and courageously reaching for help.
"I saw absolutely no way out and was convinced that he would carry-out these threats if I ever left, so I stayed." 
Mekisha Jane Walker
The abuser’s promises, small improvements, and apologizes are often shallow, just another turn in the on-going drama. Hope derived from short-term changes are shattered many times over, leaving the victim feeling ashamed and stupid. Through the goodness of their hearts they nurture the kindness of hope, believing their partner will change.
 
None are perfect; we all struggle. But no one deserves abuse. There is no excuse. Accept the rottenness of this behavior for what it is—unwarranted, unhealthy, and destructive. Seek guidance, find support, and find peace.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He is dedicated to the science of wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.
Attachment Injury. Breaches of Trust in Critical Moments. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
Our environment is instrumental to our mental health. When work or home constantly ignites stress, our systems bog down, and well-being suffers.
Traumatic pasts place strain on the present. If finding love has been painful, we begin to respond defensively with new prospects. We can reprogram and graciously and intimately love.
When threatened, the energy flowing through our system demands action. Often we retaliate with bitterness, spewing venom, ruining the things we cherish.
Trauma Hangover. The damaging fears after a bitter relationship. A Flourishing Life Society article link
FLS Link. Recovering from a Toxic Relationship: Healing from relationship hurts takes time. We can aid healing through these practices.
FLS Link. Ten Signs to leave a person after a few dates.
FLS Link: Gaslighting: A techniques common to controlling narcissists is gaslighting. The controller creates instability by creating revolving realities. We fight this through individuality and protective boundaries.
The narcissist presents a special challenge on relationships. The characteristics common for a narcissist typically are disastrous for relationships. Often escape is the best recourse.
Emotional Abuse: Psychological Warfare Over Control. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Domestic Violence strikes people of all races, classes and genders. We must help.
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