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Flourishing Relationships | Intimate Relationship Archive | Emotional  Safety

Emotional Safety

Six Ways to Increase Emotional Security

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | November 2017 (edited February 4, 2022)
Safe and Secure
Adobe Stock Images
We need to feel secure to thrive. If we continually feel threatened, we pull back, limiting opportunity.
We seek safety; an evolutionary drive to live. But security is continually shaken in the constant dishevel of change. Life is unpredictable, surprising at every corner. The unplanned events jump from the shadows, startling our resolves. We expend vast energy attempting to create a comfortable and stable environment.

​To achieve stability, we build a psychological framework to explain the world in simple controllable terms. We create a distorted world that we pretend to control, building a false sense of safety. This false vision limits explorations into the unknowns, beyond safety of our protective cocoon.

Key Definition:

Emotional safety is a psychological term that refers to a balanced emotional state achieved in attachment relationships where each partners feels secure enough to be open and vulnerable.
Overprotective existence eventually fails. We can’t control the world; events will intrude, piercing the armor, exposing our vulnerabilities. The world and the countless contributing factors don’t march to our independent beat of how things should be. By excluding ourselves from experience, we stunt our growth, leaving us naked and afraid to the harshness of reality.

Six Things We Can Do to Feel Safe

Safety, however, can be strengthened, providing a shelter from the hazards of living. Here are some avenues to explore that will enhance your sense of safety:

Be Safe

If we don’t feel safe, but live a risky lifestyle the fears are legitimate. We must first address behaviors, habits and environments posing serious risk to our physical safety and emotional well-being. Dangerous living rightfully ignites fear of injury or harm. Dismissing the emotional signals of danger invites the tragedy of consequence.

​Careless intoxication from drugs and alcohol lowers inhibitions, while ignoring ordinary precautions; unscrupulous eating heightens risk of heart disease and type 2 diabetes; unprotected sex opens vulnerabilities to destructive diseases; dangerous partners injure and kill. Security demands wise living.

Healthy Relationships

We are social animals. We need others to support, and share resources. Healthy relationships create a safety net of secure attachment. If our lifestyle continually borrows from others but fails to give, we lose the creditability as an equal partner. The security eventually dries and the welcoming hands withdraw. We are left to our own ruin.

Limit Dangerous Thoughts

Our thoughts become a felt reality. If we constantly mull over the future, fearing impending doom, we will fear life, shrinking from the liveliness of living. The dangerous patterns of anxiety ridden thought are often a gift from the past—critical parents, dangerous environments, and unfortunate tragedies. Changing these patterns requires new skills.

​Yoga, non-judgmental reflections, meditation, mindful experiences deviate from normal processing allowing the small details of feeling to permeate instead of the running commentary of our minds.

​The idea is learning to experience life in a different realm rather than in high-alert for possible danger.
"We can’t control the world; events will intrude, piercing the armor, exposing our vulnerabilities."

Expand Opportunities

Life is complex and futures remain in flux. We prepare for the unknown by expanding our skills in a variety of disciplines. Specializing creates competitiveness; and we should work towards specializations but not ignore the vast knowledge of other disciplines. Expand your understanding of complexity while specializing in your own niche. Knowledge is power.

Challenge Catastrophic Thinking

The constant threat of catastrophe grates on our soul, keeping the body in constant fear of destruction. Most of our catastrophic ponderings are bunk, building upon small slivers of threat and creating exploding bombshells. We must identify and challenge these damaging thoughts.

Keep a Success Journal

A daily or weekly journal focuses attention on overlooked success. We routinely surmount obstacles but fail to acknowledge the success. We gain emotional safety from routinely reminders of our personal resilience. By writing them down, recognizing our strength,  we build confidence in our ability to surmount difficulties. We feel safe in the face of uncertainty.

Books on Emotional Safety

Feeling Safe is a Process

These are tools—ideas. Psychological growth and healing is a dynamic process, not solved with mathematical precision. Tools are incomplete. They must be integrated and molded to our individual needs. Sometimes fears are quickly resolved; more often they must be slowly coaxed into more workable companions. Our childhoods are complex; our experiences dynamic. True safety doesn’t come from avoidance of feeling but engagement of feeling. We grow through contact.

​Over time, successes nourish a growing trust that we can approach and conquer the vicissitudes of life. When we have faith in our strength to deal with the unplanned changes, the world no longer appears as scary. With self-confidence, we find courage to face new challenges and constructively approach the surprise events. Failure doesn’t shake our foundation because we know failures are temporary and instructive. We can’t control our children, partner, or employment but can enhance our skills to manage the difficulties.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

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​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

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The intimacy and trust of long relationships are built from dedicated mature partners, working together, giving respect, and compiling positive interactions.
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Attachment Injury. Breaches of Trust in Critical Moments. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
When threatened, the energy flowing through our system demands action. Often we retaliate with bitterness, spewing venom, ruining the things we cherish.
Relationships are complicated and can't be forced. Many fear connection.
Emotional Patterns. When Emotional Reactions Hurt. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Anxious Lovers. When Love Creates Anxiety. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
Small emotions, poking through from the past, can avalanche into full blown hatred. We must catch the mislabeling of experience, make corrections and work towards building a relationship with love an intimacy.
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Wounds that Don't Heal. Emotional Wounds. A Flourishing Life Society article link
​We cannot control others; no matter how badly we want to. Some partners will be toxic. The best we can do is identify our own responsibilities.
Attuning to a partners feelings is not always natural. It requires putting our needs on hold and embracing a partner in need. Here is where trust and Intimacy are found.
FLS link: Emotional Intimacy | Creating Space for sharing.
FLS Link. Entangled relationships
Emotional Safety. Courageously allowing vulnerable openness in relationships. A Flourishing Life Society article link
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