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Home | Emotional Fitness | Flourishing Relationships | How to Calm Emotions

How to Calm Emotions

Emotional Triggers

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | January 2016 (edited 9-24-2021)
Lady with her hands in fists and screaming. A Flourishing Life Society article on calming emotions
Adobe Stock Images
Successful communication requires calming emotions first, and honest communication second.
Love isn’t one wondrous moment of joy after another. Intimate partners arouse sensitivities. Our close connections are tightly bound to security; fluctuations in behavior signal volatility and painfully poke at vulnerabilities. Trust from repeated loving responses and timely repairs softens the fears. For many, however, a simple event or spoken word triggers strong emotions sending emotions into over-drive; they aggressively lash out, or silently stew in self-righteousness.

Protecting is a Survival Mechnism

​All organisms respond to offensive slights and dangerous attacks, protecting from further harm—emotional or physical. Responding to emotions is normal and essential for connection. High-value relationships must be tenderly approached; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect.

​We should express emotions triggered by a partner but carefully, considering how the message will be received.

Authors David Schulz and  Stanley Rodgers wrote that "experiencing one's feelings and emotions is quite different from analyzing them or worrying about them. It involves accepting those feelings and emotions for what they are without believing that they have to be expressed in order to be experienced. Such awareness can also lead to more socially appropriate ways of expressing feelings (Schulz & Rodgers, 1980, p. 44).

In relationships, we can experience our emotions. Emotions are very personal. Yet, expressing them with appropriateness is a skill. The underlying goal is not to express our emotions but to achieve intimate closeness and acceptance. This requires sharing our personal experience within the parameters that a loving partner can process.
"High-value relationships must be tenderly approached; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect."

Building Closeness With Our Reactions

Expressions made with care and mediated with personal responsibility create closeness. When expressed in harshness, laced with accusations and blame, our rudeness strangles communication, coaxing a defensive protection.

Emotional expressions are the precious moments that build or destroy security.  
​

Damaging Defensive Reactions

​When we are aroused, no matter how serious the triggering behavior, going straight for the jugular with a violent attack, doesn’t resolve the issue. Our swings drive a separating wedge deep into the relationship. Our attack may produce blood but never open the partner’s heart.
 
Isn’t being felt the goal?

Key Concept:

Techniques to Calm Emotions:
​
  • Mindfulness of Felt Experience
  • Humor
  • A Break
  • Mindful Breathing
  • A Temporary Distraction
  • Focus on Happy Experiences
  • Gratitude
  • Exercise
A venomous attack divides partners, inviting further defensiveness, closing the ears we wish would hear our cries. Even when we seemingly "win," the victory is a fantasy, increasing tension, and building resentments.

Slow down! Recognize the bubbling emotions; evaluate the value of the impulsive reaction; we must break this destructive chain. Breathe. Calm the emotional flooding first, reestablishing safety. After you have soothed the primitive aliveness of the emotional brain, remind yourself of the long-term goals, and only then appropriately share feelings in a kind, non-accusing and compassionate way.

Expressing ownership for our emotions is essential first before communicating about specific behaviors and events that triggered those emotions; with care, we can effectively open the door to our hearts, and there in our naked vulnerabilities we can compassionately respond to a lover. Only then can we be felt and accepted in the core emotions of love.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He is dedicated to the science of wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

References:

Schulz, D. A., & Rodgers, S. F. (1980). Marriage, the Family, and Personal Fulfillment. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Index:

Flourishing in Life
  • Personal Development
  • Mindfulness
  • Addiction Recovery
  • Wellness 
Psychology of Wellness
  • Emotions​
  • Personality
  • Defense Mechanisms
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About Flourishing Life
Flourishing Life Society Link to research articles
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Relationships article data base link
FLS link-- Emotional Regulation: Emotions energize and push for action. Healthy regulation capitalizes on the richness of emotion and directs the energy towards life objectives.
External Links:
External Link: Get a Grip--Mastering Your Emotional Life
External Link. How to Free Yourself from the 7 Obsessions
External Link: How to prepare for rising stress ahead
External Link: Which stress personality are you?
External Link: Is Your Anger Justified?
External Link: A 4-Step Breathing Exercise to Cope With Difficult Emotions
External Link:  How To Turn Inward When You're Feeling Overwhelmed
External Link: Coping With Depression When You Have Young Children

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

A Flourishing Life Society article link. Fault Finding
Emotions can be powerful--so powerful we may avoid them and the people expressing them. Empathy is gained through openness to experience, one on one contact with the feeling experience of others.
Relationship Drama article link.
A Flourishing Life Society link. Spirituality
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Feeling Lonely. An article on loneliness
FLS link: Emotional Intimacy | Creating Space for sharing. A psychological battle of opposing needs requires purposeful effort to meet both safety and belonging needs.
The breathe brings life to the body, feeding the heart and brain. Mindful attention to this life giving process can change our lives.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Fear of Failure
We move through stages of behavior, thought and emotion. Each phase impacting the others. We work to change by modifying any (and sometimes all) of the stages.
We are pulled into harmful routines by emotion. We feel and then we react. Unfortunately, our reaction isn't always helpful. We need space to think and then act more appropriately.
We live blind and deaf to the primary motivating force of action. Feelings unnoticed nudge us to act. We gain a deeper appreciation for life and measured control when we develop our relationship with emotion through focusing.
A flourishing Life Society article link. Emotional Overload
The intimacy and trust of long relationships are built from dedicated mature partners, working together, giving respect, and compiling positive interactions.
Emotional Response. Emotions and Goal Fulfillment. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
We get beastly urges pushing for harmful action. Listening to these desires that hurt destroys our lives.
The past doesn't disappear. When betrayed, the hurt lingers and interferes with future relationships.
FLS Link: How to Calm Emotions. Emotional Triggers.
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