Emotions | How to Calm Emotions - FLOURISHING LIFE SOCIETY

Emotional Triggers

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | January 2016 (edited 2018)

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Success with intimacy requires working through sensitivities provoked by relationship fears.

Love isn’t one wondrous moment of joy after another. Intimate partners arouse sensitivities. Our close connections are tightly bound to security; fluctuations in behavior signal volatility and painfully poke at vulnerabilities. Trust from repeated loving responses and timely repairs softens the fears. For many, however, a simple event or spoken word triggers strong emotions sending emotions into over-drive; they aggressively lash out, or silently stew in self-righteousness.

All organisms respond to offensive slights and dangerous attacks, protecting from further harm—emotional or physical. Responding to emotions is normal and essential for connection. High-value relationships must be tenderly approached; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect. We should express emotions triggered by a partner but carefully, considering how the message will be received.

High-value relationships must be tenderly approached; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect. 

Expressions made with care and mediated with personal responsibility create closeness. When expressed in harshness, laced with accusations and blame, our rudeness strangles communication, coaxing a defensive protection.

Emotional expressions are the precious moments that build or destroy security.

When we are aroused, no matter how serious the triggering behavior, going straight for the jugular with a violent attack, doesn’t resolve the issue. Our swings drive a separating wedge deep into the relationship. Our attack may produce blood but never open the partner’s heart.

Isn’t being felt the goal?

A venomous attack divides partners, inviting further defensiveness, closing the ears we wish would hear our cries. Even when we seemingly "win," the victory is a fantasy, increasing tension, and building resentments.

Slow down! Recognize the bubbling emotions; evaluate the value of the impulsive reaction; we must break this destructive chain. Breathe. Calm the emotional flooding first, reestablishing safety. After you have soothed the primitive aliveness of the emotional brain, remind yourself of the long-term goals, and only then appropriately share feelings in a kind, non-accusing and compassionate way. Expressing ownership for your emotions first and then offering specifics about the behaviors and events that triggered those emotions; with care, we can effectively open the door to our hearts, and there in our naked vulnerabilities will a compassionate lover respond. We can be felt and accepted in the core emotions of love.

FLS Link. Embracing Regret: Managed regret warns us of possible errant behavior in need of examination and correction. Justification and denial robs us of this intelligent warning, blinding us to the reality of our situation.

Link: Emotional intelligence is the skilled coordination between feelings and logic to guide relationships, action, and healthy development in a person.

Experience dredges up the past, uncovering hurts and tender parts of our souls. To survive, we must find productive avenues through these moments without damaging the present and future.

We live blind and deaf to the primary motivating force of action. Feelings unnoticed nudge us to act. We gain a deeper appreciation for life and measured control when we develop our relationship with emotion through focusing.

We are pulled into harmful routines by emotion. We feel and then we react. Unfortunately, our reaction isn't always helpful. We need space to think and then act more appropriately.

Our moods impact perception coloring the world in bright colors of joy or the dull grays of sadness. Understanding the impact of a mood and recognizing the presence of a mood softens judgments and improve our life.

Achieving the most from the wisdom of emotions requires purposeful effort to integrate emotions into our larger concepts of self.

External Links:

Link: Emotional intelligence the skills you were not taught in school

Link five things to increase your emotional intelligence

Link Banner: How to ride the wave of your emotions

Link: Increace your social Intelligence by increasing your vocabulary

External Link Banner: How my struggle with anxiety launched my wellness journey

FLS Link: Emotional Triggers. Success with intimacy requires working through sensitivities provoked by relationship fears.

Topics: Emotions, Relationships, Communication

Emotional Triggers

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