Love isn’t one wondrous moment of joy after another. Intimate partners arouse sensitivities. Our close connections are tightly bound to security; fluctuations in behavior signal volatility and painfully poke at vulnerabilities. Trust from repeated loving responses and timely repairs softens the fears. For many, however, a simple event or spoken word triggers strong emotions sending emotions into over-drive; they aggressively lash out, or silently stew in self-righteousness.
#emotions #relationships #anger #emotionalintelligence #emotionalregulation All organisms respond to offensive slights and dangerous attacks, protecting from further harm—emotional or physical. Responding to emotions is normal and essential for connection. High-value relationships must be tenderly approached; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect. We should express emotions triggered by a partner but carefully, considering how the message will be received. High-value relationships must be tenderly approached; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect. ​Expressions made with care and mediated with personal responsibility create closeness. When expressed in harshness, laced with accusations and blame, our rudeness strangles communication, coaxing a defensive protection.
Emotional expressions are the precious moments that build or destroy security. When we are aroused, no matter how serious the triggering behavior, going straight for the jugular with a violent attack, doesn’t resolve the issue. Our swings drive a separating wedge deep into the relationship. Our attack may produce blood but never open the partner’s heart.
Isn’t being felt the goal? A venomous attack divides partners, inviting further defensiveness, closing the ears we wish would hear our cries. Even when we seemingly "win," the victory is a fantasy, increasing tension, and building resentments. Slow down! Recognize the bubbling emotions; evaluate the value of the impulsive reaction; we must break this destructive chain. Breathe. Calm the emotional flooding first, reestablishing safety. After you have soothed the primitive aliveness of the emotional brain, remind yourself of the long-term goals, and only then appropriately share feelings in a kind, non-accusing and compassionate way. Expressing ownership for your emotions first and then offering specifics about the behaviors and events that triggered those emotions; with care, we can effectively open the door to our hearts, and there in our naked vulnerabilities will a compassionate lover respond. We can be felt and accepted in the core emotions of love. Please support FLS with a share:
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