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Feeling Felt

Validating Each Other's Emotions

BY: T. Franklin Murphy  | November 2015
A happy younger couple embracing for photo. Beach in the back ground. A Flourishing Life Society article on validating emotions and feeling felt
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True communication proceeds from the heart; not the mouth. The bonds of love strengthen when we feel felt by our partner.
Communication is essential for healthy relationships; yet often neglected. True communication requires more than rattling off words. Deep communication is a connecting of souls where thoughts and feelings leap from one person to another—a commune between spirits where words often fail.
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Many people struggle, missing this lesson in childhood; often because there were no skilled teachers available. The baby is a bundle of feelings first, long before words arrive. Words just facilitate communications of the feelings, often the sounds fail, a weak medium for conveying complex feelings. Sharing emotions is complicated when we barely know what we are feeling—we ache but don’t know why; so, we blindly react, exploding to trivial triggers. Lost in blindness, many relationships express undefined feelings with manipulations, projections and heated words—this is not open communication.

Being Felt

Beyond the words, there must be understanding—understanding of feelings. The feelings felt often get lost in words that vaguely convey an underlying personal experience. We want to be felt. We want to be accepted. We don’t want to emerge victorious from a battle of words. The win is meaningless if we still feel unnoticed and misunderstood

Key Definition:

Emotional Communication: Communication that extends past words integrating the internal experience of both partners. Emotions are recognized, understood and respected.
 A hidden theme beneath most intimate communications is, “Can I count on you?” While unspoken, the search for attachment and acceptance strongly influences human interactions, especially with intimate partners and family. The search for compassionate acceptance gets smashed against the wall of despair when small concerns ignite a heated battle of wills. Instead of a quick response, or defensive reaction, we must reply to the bid for safety, even when the hazy words trying to express a want are unclear. With effort, we can step back and see the distress even when the words don’t match. We should respond to the distress, not the words.

Key Concept:

When partner communication validates our experience, closeness and fondness is fostered.
​Open communication solidifies bonds and builds trust—required for intimacy. The healing salve of connection isn’t won through stinging remarks, and words that pierce the hardened heart of a lover. We build connection through a much deeper communication—in a smile, in a touch, in understanding.  The feeling of being felt heals wounds, opens minds, and creates trust.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He is dedicated to the science of wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

Index:

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  • Defense Mechanisms
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About Flourishing Life
Emotional Attunement archive. A Flourishing Life Society database
Banner link to Flourishing Life Society's relationship articles
Flourishing Life Society Link to articles from 2010-to 2015
External Links:
External Link: What Does It Mean to Be In a Codependent Relationship?
External Link: Will Your Spouse Be a Good Parent? There’s a Test for That
External Link: The dangers of the chemical imbalance theory of depression
External Link: Relight the fire: how to fall back in love with your partner
FLS link: Emotional Intimacy | Creating Space for sharing. A psychological battle of opposing needs requires purposeful effort to meet both safety and belonging needs.
Internal link. Building Trust
Relationships are complicated and can't be forced. Many fear connection.
Picture
The failed relationship provides a rich source of information about our insecurities, emotional triggers, and weaknesses. If we fail to pause and reflect on the failures, we consign ourselves to reliving the tragedy.
When we expertly greet our child's emotions with empathy, acceptance and reciprocation, the child develops a positive relationship with their own feelings--a major contribution to healthy living.
Internal FLS link. Attuning with an Improved 'Theory of Mind': The human capacity to consider underlying mental states associated with behaviors must be carefully developed to improve predictions and attune with others.
Intimate communication. A flourishing life Society article link
The intimacy and trust of long relationships are built from dedicated mature partners, working together, giving respect, and compiling positive interactions.
Mixed in with the beauty are some sorrows. When we are well-connected, occasionally, along with the joys are some tears.
Internal Link. True Love takes Time: True love matures into trust, where both partners contribute to the well-being of the other.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Commitment Issues
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Feeling Felt and validation of emotions


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