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Helping a Family Member with Drug Addiction

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | September 1, 2018 (modified January 19, 2023)

An older lady with her arms around her adult daughter. An article on assisting a family member through addiction recovery.
Adobe Stock Images
When a loved one has succumb to chemical addiction, families easily get lost in the illogical arguments. The addiction becomes family problem stealing everyone's sanity.

The mind of the addict functions differently, coloring outside normal lines. When we use our conceptual norms to understand the logic of an addict, our hopes continually shatter against a reality we don't understand. Our predictable patterns can’t be cast on the mind of the deranged. Simple contracts of agreement, effective with us, do not motivate the junkie. Logical arguments can’t be made with the illogical. Simple truths are debatable and facts are disregarded when used in conversation with an addict. 

When chasing highs and in need, the family’s efforts to fastidiously keep their end of a bargain is questioned, the blurred mind misrepresents facts, depicting the past in almost comical reconstructions that twist the known, implying that the helpful are actually cruel, but themselves (the user) is the normal one. The constant remapping of reality, done with such fervor, often leads those with common sense to question their own sanity.
​
SAMHSA's National Helpline 1-800-662-4357

​Bargaining Over Sobriety

​What does the family gain out of their knightly effort to save? Their driving need for normalcy seeks an escape from the madness of addiction. The loved ones simply desire the wayward child or spouse (or parent) to quit. Period. Ultimately, recovery is not the families choice, and success is beyond their control. The family, particularly parents, willingly exchange money, housing and concessions hoping to secure their abstinence goal—recovery. The user holds the power—it’s their problem, and their recovery.

"​Addiction is complex, and it’s okay if you don’t know everything right away. However, taking the time to understand your loved one’s disease and how it affects them is incredibly beneficial to both you and your loved one."  ~Jonathan Strum |  The Recovery Village

​The constant heart ache becomes a bargaining chip; often used to manipulate. “But I’ve been clean,” they say, “and you don’t trust me.” Cutting words fly, doors slam, and meanness permeates. Parents and loved ones aren't stupid. They know things are not right yet. They have been through this cycle too many times. The family timidly reminds of the blatant violations and past broken promises. Forgetting that logic doesn’t live here.
 
The weapons of honesty and trust are ruthlessly dragged into every conflict. “I’ve been honest, so you must trust.” Somehow the ‘live-in-the-moment’ attitude misses the sacrifice that accompanies virtuous character traits, rewards not given for a single good deed. Even psychopathic liars tell the truth sometimes. One positive act doesn’t trim the choking vines grown from long patterns of disregard.
​

​Demands For Trust

In a baffling volley of insanity, the deceiver expects to be rewarded trust when their honesty is unproven. They are aghast we don’t believe (even when they lie). They expect that a well contrived lie be treated as good as transparency, “if I am clever enough to deceive, then I should be trusted.” We see this same psychopathic expectation from many political leaders.

The past and the future are enemies to the addict. Those chronically intoxicated rely on addictions to escape discomfort. The past reminds of horror. The future spurs hopelessness. So, the addict chooses adaptations that relieve in the present. Lacking coping skills to skillfully navigate through discomfort, they avoid learning from the past or sacrificing for the future. The addict chases tranquility with a narrowness of vision, limited to immediate fulfillment.

​"The challenge with addiction is that the addict is not the only one impacted by this disease. Family and friends can have difficulty with the addict’s behavior, financial problems, legal problems and the daily struggle of supporting a loved one."  ~Daily Health Wire

​However, trust is not an all or nothing state. Family members must be willing to vulnerably offer trust when recovery begins to take whole. Small slivers at first and more as the trust given is honored.
​
​Supporting Recovery:
​

  • Educate Yourself About Addiction
  • Compassion and Patience
  • Encourage Without Preaching
  • Provide Information About Available Resources
  • Give Trust Where Trust is Deserved
  • Don't Ignore the Issue
  • Give and Maintain Clear Boundaries
​
​We Can't Force Sobriety


The addict's family’s determination to force sobriety eventually discourages. Unable to combat the craziness with logic, they absorb the onslaught of unsupported accusations; the addict still has the power. Hopeful loved ones know if the addict leaves, he carries with him the hope for change; he (or she) alone controls the next snort, inhale, or injection.

​"​Everyone is different. Recovery for one person may mean total abstinence from drugs. For another, it could mean cutting back or staying mostly drug-free. Being too rigid in your expectations can lead to disappointment and a sense of failure, even if your loved one finds stability in their life again."  ~Lawrence Robinson and Melinda Smith, M.A.  | Helpguide.org

​
​Stupefied, the family continues to argue with fact, citing the past as evidence, forgetting that logic doesn’t live here, and facts are irrelevant. The family colors within the lines, while failing to outwit those who have no such constraints.

​The cry of lunacy shrieks, “I’m breaking my end of the bargain, you are keeping yours—how come you don’t trust me?” But we submit, buy into the lunacy, sacrifice our logic, in hopes of sobriety—their sobriety and give again; and oddly, in a way, our own sobriety is sacrificed, and the madness of addiction becomes our own.​


​Changing Destructive Relationship Cycles

​How do we withdraw from this painful cycle? How do you support someone with no shared conceptual similarities? We rely on facts, history and hopes to direct behavior but these don't existent in the addict’s decision-making processes.

​While we find hope in a long-term plan, the addict is focusing on immediate benefits, oblivious to long-term goals. We ignorantly believe in promises, looking at the week, month or years entwined with a new agreement, while the addict only sees the immediate benefits of a bed and a meal for another night—a momentary fix of human comfort.

​"​If you want them to change, you will probably have to change too, even if you don’t have an addiction. If you show you are willing to try, your loved one will be more likely to try as well."  ~Elizabeth Hartney, MA, PhD  |  verywellmind

​​They don’t purposely promise knowing the contract will be broken—at least most don’t. But their weak hold on the future, doesn’t grasp the implications of a commitment. At the time of need, the benefits are more salient, shortly after, the saliency fades, while the sacrifices being paid loom large. Broken commitments are wrongfully considered acceptable if accompanied by an excuse.

We can't force sobriety. We can't mandate recovery. We can, however, carefully move forward, giving opportunity for success and support. It is a difficult path, weighing helpful actions against enabling giving. Sometimes the right choice is to kick a loved one out; other times to invite them home. Arguments don't work. Soft encouragement sometimes does. Exactness in reasonable expectations is essential. When deals are agreed upon, at the beginning, the person struggling with addiction must complete their end of the promise first. The family, above all, must seek support, finding ways to balance their wellbeing during this momentous task that likely will last years.
​
T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He is dedicated to the science of wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:
FLS linkj. Addiction: Disconnection from Everything Good. The mind adapts, adjusting to the chaos of physical dependency. These psychological adaptations form the addiction. The psychological adaptions stingily continue after detox.
Flourishing Life Society Link. Planning for a Successful Recovery.:  Addiction recovery is difficult. We can't just meander through the obstacles, figuring it out as we go. We need an effective plan.
Enabling Drug Addiction. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Limitations of Grit. Determination Mediated by Wisdom. A Flourishing Life Society article link
FLS Link. Relapse Prevention: High-Risk Situations. Moving from detox to sustained recovery often travels through lapses. Preparing for lapses assists recovering drug and alcohol abusers achieve full recovery and regain control of their lives.
FLS Link: Change is a four-letter word. We are threatened by the need to adapt; but successful maneuvering through the complex demands of an ever-moving world requires a flexing and adaptable approach. We must change, sacrificing some of our specialness for a happier and better existence.
FLS Link. Contemplating Change: The contemplation stage of change is more than what we think, it is how we think, expanding our view, dismantling excuses, and building motivations.
Article on the impact of positive thinking exercises on addiction.  Addiction impacts sufferers view of the world. Creating a perception of danger and unfairness. Adding positive thinking exercises to a daily routine can assist in the battle against addiction.
FLS Link. Recovery by Addition: Recovery is more than detox, we must add skills, experiences and others to restore the richness of a full life.
Internal Link: Moving forward | Working through the stages of life with attentive efforts to fill the voids and repair the hurts.
Internal link banner. Detox is not Recovery: Addiction is both biological and behavioral. The escape from life is an adaptation, remaining after the detox. Recovery has only begun. Once free of the blinding influence of the drug, we begin the real work of rebuilding life.
We have habits that destroy, intruding on our lives, and damaging futures. We can change. We can remove the thorns and break the chains to become more and enjoy life.
When life overwhelms and our efforts fall flat, we sometimes learn to not fight, and quietly suffer.
Internal Link: Achieving our potential...Healthy growth depends on supportive environments. As adults, we must create an environment that provides nutrients and protection.
FLS internal Link. Any Old Excuse: The merry-go-round hell of sobriety and relapse traps many in a perpetual fall. Life graciously provides difficulties to excuse the falls and soften the shame; but the recovery that lasts, sheds the excuse, looks addiction head on, and gets off the frightening ride.
Helping a Loved One in Recovery. A Flourishing Life Society article link

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