Flourishing Life Society
  • Flourishing Life Society
    • Flourishing Favorites
    • Articles by Year Published
    • Privacy Policy
    • About Us
  • Psychology Definitions
  • Psychology of Wellness
    • Psychology of Emotions >
      • Emotional Data Base
    • Psychology Article Archive
  • Personal Development
    • Health and Fitness
    • Personal Development >
      • Personal Development Archive N-Z
  • Flourishing Relationships
Home  |  Human Flourishing  | Relationships | Imperfect Bonds

Imperfect Bonds

Finding Joy Through (Perfectly) Imperfect Relationships

BY: T. Franklin Murphy  | March 2015 (edited February 2, 2022)
Man and Woman holding hands. A Flourishing Life Society article on finding joy with our imperfect relationships
Adobe Stock Images
Faulty expectations destroy healthy connections. When grounded in reality, we can enjoy the imperfect bonds of love.
Relationships are a curious thing—full of give and take. Any relationship, the bonding of two imperfect and different people, encounters a few bumps and bruises as the couple acclimates to each others peculiarities and preferences. Loving partners adapt and adjust, accepting rather than fixing. Successful relationships do not demand perfect harmony, but, rather, successful managing of differences.   

​Social connections, at a party, at work and at home expand the experience of living. We need connections. I am a bit of a recluse, much like my father. But I still need connections. Some, naturally gifted, easily connect; others, like me, struggle.

My shyness creates a natural sensitivity. Small gestures can ignite painful ruminations and fears. Yet, I have learned through the years—and heartaches—that these emotional reactions are more about me and my sensitivities than the triggering event.

Key Definition:

Imperfect Bonds is the inevitable discomforts of intimate connections. Relationships provide many wonderful benefits but closeness comes at a cost.
​Over the years, I have forcefully pushed past the natural shyness and created new connections. The shyness still exists. Inner forces of shame cripple, but I march forward despite the disabling demons.

Working against our nature is like keeping a misaligned car from running off the roadway. We keep our hands on the wheel; our sights on the goal; and engage in the demanding work to get there. Our minds interfere, making excuses, projecting blame, and denying realities but ultimately, it is our lives. We must live with the consequences whether stuck in a ditch on the side of the road or happily parked at home. We can't expect partners to placate our oversensitive natures. Overbearing and unfair expectations strangles relationships.

​We must accept that part of an intimate connection is heightened emotions—both joyous and frightening
Picture

Distorted Assessments

Through casual introspection, we fail to see a clear picture. The mind seamlessly distorts reality to conform to subjective beliefs. Past pains and pleasures bias current observations—especially observations of the self. If we struggle with shame, the slightest imperfection becomes an uncrossable gulf. Self-appraisals, instead of instructive, bombard our senses disturbing equilibrium and prevent sleep. Our automatic response seeks to calm the storms, implementing safe-guards that maintain homeostasis—distorting reality to keep it manageable.

​Perplexingly, we speak rudely but fail to recognize the rudeness. Through our blindness, we lose friends, destroy romances and limit business opportunities; but remain dumbfounded to the cause of these losses. The world appears crazy. Unrecognized internal disruptions create the conditions for blame.
 
A destructive mindset misdirects thoughts, instead of soothing momentary emotions, we react, harming our futures, pushing us further from intentions. This poisonous approach to experience expresses an internal hostility; the unknown forces wreak havoc and we are befuddled on how to resolve the repeating failures. We hate life and eventually hate ourselves.
Through our blindness, we lose friends, destroy romances and limit business opportunities; but remain dumbfounded to the cause of these losses.

Personal Responsibility in Relationships

In relationships, we excuse our harsh damaging words with psychological mush. We find a quotation, take it out of complex, and use it to support our sociopathic dysfunction. During an argument, we belittle, shame and hurt but then sooth our guilt by saying, “They needed to hear that" or "If they can't accept me as I am, then it is their problem." Both arguments—on the surface—appear legitimate; but disguise the tactless approach to connection that contributes to the repeated failing relationships.

​See the Intent to Hurt for more on this topic
 
We protect self-image by limiting awareness. The immediate benefit of soothed emotions comes at the cost of continued disruptions. By dodging responsibility, we never change the damaging behaviors. Happiness doesn’t require the introvert to become an extrovert. I never will. We can leave the party entertainment to natural extroverts. But we are social creatures. A rich satisfying life requires healthy social interactions. We must catch a glimpse at our inadequacy, grab a hold of the wheel and keep the car on the road.

Key Concept:

We don't need perfection for happiness. We don't need to be perfect nor does our partner. We can find great joy in imperfection.
We must examine a little closer, looking at patterns, identifying growth-limiting projections and the damaging dodging of blame. We’ll still feel shame; but we can giggle at the intrusion, realizing the feelings come from ancient programming. It’s easy to identify fault in others; they are imperfect. But fault finding is unproductive, misdirecting focus, destroying relationships.
 
In our imperfections, we can connect with imperfect others. The imperfect bonds will challenge and bless. Our skills, with effort, improve. We find ways to calm our emotional woes and move towards healthier and happier connections.
Please support Flourishing Life Society with a social media share or by visiting a link:
Twitter Reddit LinkedIn Email
T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

Index:

Flourishing in Life
  • Personal Development
  • Mindfulness
  • Addiction Recovery
  • Wellness 
Psychology of Wellness
  • Emotions​
  • Personality
  • Defense Mechanisms
Flourishing Relationships
  • Intimate/Romance
  • Parent/Child
  • Society
Health and Fitness
Research
About Flourishing Life
External Links:
External Link: How To Navigate Friendship As An Adult
External Link: She’s Always Freaking Out On Me
External Link: Relight the fire: how to fall back in love with your partner
External Link: Is your spouse emotionally unavailable?
External Link: When Your Spouse Has a Different Stress Response
External Link: No remedy for love but to love more
External Link: There's a Better Way for Couples to Argue

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

Example of Kindness. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Internal Link. Vulnerability in Relationships
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Fault Finding
FLS Internal Link. Selfish or Selfless: Individuals and societies need attention. A society of individuals completely self focused crumbles. An individual completely dedicated to the group, ignoring personal needs dissolves into the mass. We need a healthy balance.
Internal Link: Working Out Differences. The Key to Relationship Success
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Feeling Felt and validation of emotions
A Flourishing Life Society article image link. Saving a Relationship with thoughts
Anxious Lovers. When Love Creates Anxiety. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
Small emotions, poking through from the past, can avalanche into full blown hatred. We must catch the mislabeling of experience, make corrections and work towards building a relationship with love an intimacy.
FLS link. Compromise in Relationships
The instant attachment, finding a soul mate, sounds like a fairy tale; but often is laced with hidden problems. Take it slow.
Our environment is instrumental to our mental health. When work or home constantly ignites stress, our systems bog down, and well-being suffers.
Imperfect Bonds. Finding Joy through imperfect relationships. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Picture
Flourishing Life Society
  • Human Flourishing
  • Psychology of Wellness
  • Flourishing Relationships
  • Psychology Definitions​
  • Privacy Policy
​Other Links
  • About US
  • Companion Site​
  • Most Popular Articles
  • Psychology Topics A-z
Articles:
  • New Articles​
  • Last year's Publications​
  • External Psychology Links​
​Favorite Topics:
  • Mental Illness Archive
  • Personality Archive
  • Personal Development
  • Psychology of Emotions
News Letter

    New Article Updates

Subscribe to Newsletter
  • Flourishing Life Society
    • Flourishing Favorites
    • Articles by Year Published
    • Privacy Policy
    • About Us
  • Psychology Definitions
  • Psychology of Wellness
    • Psychology of Emotions >
      • Emotional Data Base
    • Psychology Article Archive
  • Personal Development
    • Health and Fitness
    • Personal Development >
      • Personal Development Archive N-Z
  • Flourishing Relationships