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Home | Personal Development | Self Compassion Article Archive | Personal Acceptance

Personal Acceptance

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | June 2018 (eduted December 31, 2021)
Woman in flower patch with arms raised in joy. An article on personal acceptance
Adobe Stock Images
The harsh world constantly sends the message that "we are not good enough." Resist this message. Give yourself the gift of personal acceptance. 
At every stage, we need loving people who attune to our feelings and respond to our needs. Loving people provide the security necessary to venture outside our cozy comfort zones. They foster the courage to explore. Those who love us provide the “attention, appreciation, acceptance, and affection” we need. Without a support system, we struggle. The absence of supportive others elevates anxiety. Without external resources, the spooky hollow of change thrusts us back into the confining boundaries of the past.
​

When environments lack support, the impoverished surrounding intensifies our drive for security. We seek safety through uncompromised structure, eliminating unpredictability. Safety is achieved through the inflexible rules we establish. When confronted by normal variations, we crumble, violently shaking our fist and cry out, "WHY ME?" But screaming in desperation doesn’t succor the ache of loneliness. It’s absolutely not fair that some lack loving support; but the universe rarely concerns itself with fairness. We must adapt.

Seeking Accepance Externally

A young man, lacking relationship skills, violently grabbed my daughter’s arms. Half screaming, half begging, “I don’t want no bull-Sh**!” My daughter—thoroughly coached on dangerous dating behaviors—quickly excused herself. This boy never got a second date.

​Kindness doesn’t require we save others by becoming their victim, making an escape early is often wise. When childhoods failed to instill proper relationship etiquette, the lost soul grapples with the complexities of bonding.


​The confusion of connection leaves those without living examples dumbfounded with the intricate details of connection and social feeling. They act limited by self-directed consciousness, destroying any hopes of love. After failed attempts of connecting, we may—like this young man—try to find love by using guilt, shame or even physical force. Fear doesn’t create the bonds we seek. The attention and affection we desire will be withheld and only our emptiness remains.

For more on this topic see Love and Fear

Self Acceptance After Trauma

Healing is possible. We aren’t condemned to a life of frustrations. We can escape this terrible trajectory. Intimacy, although not fully understood, can be savored. For healing to begin, we must stop the bleeding. The emotional hurts are etched into the psyche, not easily released or forgotten. Unattended and left to fulfill the trajectories, the impulses to act intrude on relationships, spurring great emotion.

​Outside criticism from childhood eventually evolves into self-criticism. The chaotic and strict standards of our parents become internalized. Halting this cycle of psychological warfare against our tender minds requires enough vigilance to forcefully interrupt the unhealthy thoughts that destroy peace and disrupt relationships. Perhaps, we need a more compassionate approach, wrapping our own loving arms around that aching inner-child, giving ourself the attention, appreciation, and acceptance we crave.
"For healing to begin, we must stop the bleeding."
We need more than the Stuart Smiley approach, “You are wonderful. People like you.”  We need consistent and gentle self-directed thoughts. By accepting our self—as we are, the ego defenses soften. The attention, appreciation, and acceptance come from within. The self-compassion forges the beginning of security. As security takes hold, and self-confidence solidifies, we can quell the shards of emotions piercing early moments of a new relationship.

​Christopher K. Germer Ph.D., lecturer on psychiatry at Harvard Medical School wrote that "change comes naturally when we open ourselves to emotional pain with uncommon kindness. Instead of blaming, criticizing, and trying to fix ourselves (or someone else, or the whole world) when things go wrong and we feel bad, we can start with self-acceptance. Compassion first! This simple shift can make a tremendous difference in your life" (2009, location 169).​
 
Opening to emotions is scary, requiring courage to face avoided vulnerabilities—the possibility of rejection. Trust and self-confidence allow others to accept or reject us. It’s there right as a person. We must calmly allow perspective dates, romantic partners and even spouses a right to leave. By doing so we offer them the gift of acceptance—allowing for their autonomy. Without this gift, intimacy flounders.

Books on Self Acceptance

By allowing partners freedom without nasty manipulations, the relationship naturally evolves or destructs. Without our unhealthy intrusions, partners freely respond to our needs, as we attune and respond to their needs. This process of allowing, giving and receiving creates the bond of trust.

​By fostering self-acceptance, we open the opportunity for the power to love—the love of self and love of others. Making small gestures of appreciation, giving valuable moments of attention are the small steps that begins the magical transformation of the soul, creating patterns necessary to receive and give love.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

References:

​Christopher K. Germer (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. ‎The Guilford Press; 1st edition

Index:

Flourishing in Life
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Psychology of Wellness
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  • Personality
  • Defense Mechanisms
Flourishing Relationships
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Health and Fitness
Research
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Wellness Links:
External Link. Our obsession with happiness is making our kids miserable
External Link. Do Better with Dan. The Authentic Life – To be an Outsider
External Link. What We Keep Getting Wrong About Self-Love
External Link. How I Did More By Doing Less
External Link. How to be happy
External Link: Why you find it so difficult to be nice to yourself
External Link. Character Defines Us

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

Seizing the day is a joyful acceptance and a timeless honoring of the preciousness of life. Seizing the day creates a joyful connection to living.
The beginnings of change start with acceptance of where we currently are and a realistic view of where we want to go.
Embracing Our Inner Child. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Emotional Validation. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Putting on My Happy Shirt. Living a Joyful Life. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Flourishing Life Society article Link: Accepting Imperfections
Guilt may push for change or leave us debilitated and paralyzed. Loving kindness is the healthy response to debilitating guilt.
FLS link. Building Shelter
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Frustration tolerance is our ability to withstand frustrations and continue moving towards goals. A Flourishing Life Society article link.
A Flourishing Life Article link. A Quiet Life of Desperation
The ancient practice of yoga is much more than an exercise routine. Yoga brings together the mind, body and spirit in a whole body cleansing experience.
Life is not a pretty little bundle of joys. We have pleasures and sorrows.
We don't magically transform. The process of change is often slow and methodical. Slow down, watch yourselves, and let small choices create major changes.
The harsh world, with the constant message that
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