Personal Preferences

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | September 2015

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Along with autonomy comes differences. The world would be bland with unity in every endeavor. We can travel different paths without fear or disrespect for different preferences.

We long for acceptance; we crave appreciation. Developing core values, such as kindness, patience, and compassion, doesn’t guarantee acceptance. For whatever reason, some people will still dislike us. It’s their prerogative. We naturally drift towards some people and away from others. We can’t allow being disliked motivate unhealthy behaviors, nor should we act mean to those we dislike. Creativity and individuality ultimately make a person salient enough to be either liked or disliked. Without prominence of character, we become a dull grey, drawing indifference from the unnoticing crowd.

Some people will not appreciate our creation, not because they are flawed, or we are flawed; but because humans have preferences. We maybe overbearing or course or they may be overly judgmental. We may need refining and they may need flexibility—or perhaps, it’s just a bad match of personalities. Jealousy, misperceptions or unsubstantiated biases may sabotage closeness. And this is okay. Being universally accepted isn’t a prerequisite for healthy living. A person isn’t bad because they don’t like certain people—even if that includes not liking us.

Certain personalities grate on our patience but may blend nicely with someone else. We waste precious energy justifying prejudices, gossiping to bring others into our circle of influence—agreeing that Sally is bad. Perhaps, we should just accept that we dislike someone, leave it at that, instead of fruitlessly digging for evidence to explain away our right to dislike. Understanding everyone has different preferences should lighten the emotional impact of not being liked. It’s not a personal indictment of us—or them. You can dislike me, dislike my writing, and dislike my choices without your dislike condemning either of us.

We’ll never please everyone. If continual acceptance is sought, we lose a defining ethical anchor; relationships become shallow, only connecting on the surface. We can satisfy our needs for connection without losing the self. We bond through skillful negotiations of a shared life, giving and taking, enjoying being loved for who we are, while loving our partner for who they are. The path for these intimate relations travels through the fields of vulnerability, exposing the self, and allowing others to like or dislike the genuine person living inside.

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Flourishing Life Society Link to articles on bias

Banner link to Flourishing Life Society's relationship articles

Flourishing Life Society Link to articles from 2010-to 2015

FLS Internal Link. Selfish or Selfless: Individuals and societies need attention. A society of individuals completely self focused crumbles. An individual completely dedicated to the group, ignoring personal needs dissolves into the mass. We need a healthy balance.

We live in an age of prescriptions and corrections. Every oddity is labeled as an illness. We are not ill, just sometimes incompatible. Instead of curing illnesses, we should work towards compatibility.

When we expertly greet our child's emotions with empathy, acceptance and reciprocation, the child develops a positive relationship with their own feelings--a major contribution to healthy living.

Link: The Need to Please. The choice between self and others is the basic human dilemma. There is no final answer, finding balance requires constant appraisal and adjustments.

FLS Link. Patronizing Toleration: Toleration is better than discrimination. However, toleration suggests refraining from acting on objectionable differences. We can do better.

Flourishing Life Society article link for Social Desirability Bias

Mixed in with the beauty are some sorrows. When we are well-connected, occasionally, along with the joys are some tears.

The strength of our nation and world will come from more open-mindedness. When we blame, shun, or attack others because of differences, everyone loses. We live in fear and bigoted hate.

FLS Links. Personal Preferences. Dislike without disrespect