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Home | Flourishing Relationships  | Intimate Relationships  | Refuse to Give Up On Love

Refuse to Give Up on Love

When Love Has Let You Down

BY: T. Franklin Murphy  | December 2015 (edited November 13, 2021)
Two white mittens gently holding a red heart in the snow. A Flourishing Life Society article on  loving again after the hurt
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The hurt of broken love lingers, creating new difficulties and interfering protections. We can overcome these barriers and love again.
After being hurt, we naturally adopt protective behaviors; no one wants more trauma. We are on guard, protecting our soul, implementing both healthy and unhealthy measures. We cautiously move forward, avoiding unnecessary risks. After disloyalty, whether we choose to move towards reconciliation or separation, we step cautiously with extra care to protect the heart. We are prepared to defend against any ill minded intruders threatening our tender souls, but the intense fear blinds objectivity.

​We integrate protections that shield more than pain—also interfering with healing. Many over protective defenses also impede joys and growth, preventing the establishment of healthy attachments that can change our lives.
"Part of the healing process is sharing with other people who care."
Jerry Cantrell

Healing Takes Time

​Healing takes time. The immediate jumping into a new relationship often interferes with necessary grief and restorative integration of experience. Eventually new connections are an important step, but quick movement from one relationship to another often is more distracting than curative. Ache avoided remains buried in the psyche and typically doesn’t dissolve without reflection and grief.

​Completely ignoring a partner’s infidelity by jumping to a new relationship disrupts healing and effective reconciliation of the past with the present.

Finding Forgiveness

When we choose to stay, we also encounter many difficult obstacles that interfere with moving forward. Often before we can forgive, we need an apology—recognition of wrong doing. Without an apology, there is no security from the  emotional punches from an uncommitted mate. However, an apology shouldn’t be gifted with immediate forgiveness and gracious amnesia. A partner expecting a quick return to intimacy after expressing regret exposes their lack of compassion for the heavy impact of their actions.

Honesty, confessing betrayals, is important, but honesty doesn’t erase the disloyalty. The revealed secrets deliver a heavy blow, requiring significant healing. Recovery takes time; unhealed wounds will impact present and future relationships. Sometimes love dies and leaving is the only path back to joy.

 
The true damage sustained by disloyalty continues to seep into the present. If the past continues to hinder intimacy in the present, we must purposely attend to the wounds. New relationships haunted by the past limit our willingness to commit. When we only step part way into a relationship, never fully committing, and quick to run with any threat, we can never enjoy the beauties of intimacy. As frightening as openness can be after a betrayal, we must step into the dark again; intimacy demands vulnerability.

​See Commitment Issues for more on this topic
"Honesty, confessing betrayals, is important, but honesty doesn’t erase the disloyalty."

Fear of Vulnerability 

By inhibiting a return to vulnerability inherent to deeper connection, we suffer, allowing the bitterness from the past to continue to live. We can’t expect to live as if the hurt never occurred, but we deserve more than a life of limitations. We must improve our integration of the devastation. This may require guided healing with a skilled professional, supportive family and friends—and time.

​See Vulnerability in Relationships for more on this topic
 
Our next go around may not last forever, we may be hurt again. But if we protect through only partially committing and constantly look for signs of trouble, we will miss the greater opportunities for joy. We have a right to be protective but too much caution destroys developing relationships. So carefully expand, willing to expose your vulnerabilities again. Refuse to give up on love; keep trying; keep exploring.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

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External Links:
External Link: 5 Crucial Qualities to Seek in a Partner
External Link:  How I’m Mothering the Wounded Kid Inside Who Just Wanted Love
External Link: Visit the Psychologist Together: 8 Reasons Why It Is Useful for Relationships
External Link. 7 Toxic Relationship Habits That Seem Perfectly Normal
External Link: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding This Universal Truth
Link Banner: Could You Be Missing Your Partner’s Requests for Attention?

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

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FLS Link: Gaslighting: A techniques common to controlling narcissists is gaslighting. The controller creates instability by creating revolving realities. We fight this through individuality and protective boundaries.
Happily Ever After. Disappointments, Annoyances, and Other Relationship Imperfections. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Memories and Emotions. How Memories Impact Wellness. A Flourishing Life Society article link
A Flourishing Life Society article image link. Saving a Relationship with thoughts
Internal link. Building Trust
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Feeling Felt and validation of emotions
Evolving with Relationships. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Small emotions, poking through from the past, can avalanche into full blown hatred. We must catch the mislabeling of experience, make corrections and work towards building a relationship with love an intimacy.
A Flourishing Life Society Link. Relationship Anxiety
We need to belong. Our connections give foundation for healthy and balanced lives. We can't wait until we are old to build relationships. We must start now.
Intimacy requires more than attraction. Intimacy  is the crowning reward to dedicated attention to the person we love.
Our environment is instrumental to our mental health. When work or home constantly ignites stress, our systems bog down, and well-being suffers.
Relationship Drama article link.
Betrayals are not only sexual. We can betray intimacy by divulging details, violating trust, and painting our partners as devils in disguise.

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Flourishing Life Society article Link. Refuse to give up on Love- The hurt of broken love lingers, creating new difficulties and interfering protections. We can overcome these barriers and love again.
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