Relationship Drama
Healthy Conflict Resolution
BY: T. Franklin Murphy | November 16, 2020 (modified January 5, 2023)
BY: T. Franklin Murphy | November 16, 2020 (modified January 5, 2023)
Relationship drama can intrude on happiness, disrupting security. Research provides clues to squashing the drama and inviting healthy conflict resolution.
Charged with thunderous energy, some relationships bounce between euphoric highs and “call-the-cops” lows. Fears, hate, infatuations, and steamy make-ups swirl, jumping from one extreme to another, exhausting lovers. All relationships have some drama. Moderate arousal is necessary to keep lovers interested. Most successful relationships lack the necessary drama to excite a cinema audience. The gentle adapting, compromise, and artful solutions isn’t all that thrilling. While high drama gives life to a mini-series, research warns that excessive conflict is strongly associated with relationship dissatisfaction. Happy relationships must ditch the drama, relying on somewhat boring but creative resolutions.
Relationship turmoil wrecks good relationships. If we want to improve our relationships, we must reign in the drama. Excessive emotional theatrics grates on secure attachment, magnifying uncertainty, and destroying many of the joys of closeness. Damaging ConflictHealthy marital conflict easily slips from goal focused conversation to ruthless competition, using cutting words that hurt and sever bonds (2015, Murphy). Emotional driven conflicts stoop to unthinkable lows, defining success by the flesh damaged from the verbal barbs. When sharp words draw blood, a moment of satisfaction is enjoyed. At least at first. However, later, when the nastiness settles, often regret reminds that the ultimate goal of closeness was forsaken for a momentary notch in the win column.
Alan E. Fruzzetti in his book The High Conflict Couple warns that “destructive conflict in couples corrodes relationships and makes both partners miserable” (2006, location 116). Explosive relationships are complex. The involved individuals are complicated, and the changing dynamics are difficult to predict. Even though research can’t identify a simple remedy for every couple, we can recognize common factors, beliefs, and histories. Only with an ample understanding can we explore a variety of skills to tame emotions and find creative resolutions. Fruzetti offers hope, suggesting that “with enough practice, conflict can be transformed into closeness and couples can achieve the closeness, friendship, intimacy, peace, and support that brings us joy and reduces our suffering (location 121). "As wonderful as it would be, the reality is that no relationship is completely drama-free." ~Kristine Fellizar | Bustle Conflict Can Exist in Happy RelationshipsDavid Schulz and Stanley Rodgers warn, “to close one’s eyes to disagreement and conflict in intimate partnerships, to pretend that a happy marriage is one that is conflict free, and to withdraw from any disagreement is to retard the growth of a partnership” (1980, p. 60).
Couples bring baggage to relationships. We each have basic relationship beliefs, skills, and expectations. Our histories and biological compositions intertwine, forming attachment styles. With this custom bag of tricks, we try to connect. Our chosen partner also carries a bag of relationship goodies. Couples that survive (and flourish) must put together the jigsaw of differences to create intimate connection (see Creating Intimacy). Neuroticism and ConflictPersonality types matter. Whether we are easy going or overly sensitive, our approach brings blessings and obstacles. Research has found that neuroticism in one or both of the spouses is a consistent predictors of marital distress (McGonagle, Kessler, & Schilling, 1992).
Relationship enjoyment is still possible even when neuroticism scores are high. A diagnostic label is just a label, designed to bring more information to the table, understanding our own propensities guides mindful action. Neuroticism is a trait disposition that experiences high levels of negative affects (anger, anxiety, self-consciousness, irritability, emotional instability, and depression). People with elevated neuroticism scores respond poorly to environmental stress. Mundane events spike stress, ramping up responses. At high levels of arousal, the biological system contracts, narrowing creative responses, focusing on actions that reduce the immediate discomfort. "When we talk about relationship drama, Drama Queens, Drama Kings, or otherwise "dramatic" people in a relationship, we're referring to the emotional upheaval or turbulence felt in a relationship on an episodic level that has no resolution." ~Bonny Albo For those scoring high in neuroticism, minor frustrations overwhelm the biological system, igniting dark thoughts and defensive reactions. Partners can practice emotional soothing techniques together, instead of collapsing into a mutual dysregulation, stoking the emotional fire that already burns at high temperatures. The temperaments bring passion to the table. Something that can also bless the relationship when harnessed and protected. Relationships have high emotional value. Connections ignites highs and triggers lows. The volatility exacerbates fears that prompt frightening perceptions. When emotions are easily triggered, a troublesome cycle begins. The most sensitive meticulously scan the environment for danger; minor events signal loud alarms. A partner’s insignificant misstep incites an internal riot of frightening possibilities, emotions spike, defenses engage, and logic disconnects. Drama ensues and relationship satisfaction wanes. Relationship Uncertainty and ConflictRelationship uncertainty prompts vigilance, examining environmental cues for deeper meaning. An underlying fear of abandonment intrudes, disturbing the security necessary for healthy communion. The sufferer conjures demons of pending disaster, disturbing the stillness with constant fears. The lack of foundational security impairs accurate discernment of partner behaviors. Each behavior is scrupulously examined.
The anxiously attached constantly engage in a cruel childhood game. Pulling pedals from a flower, they look for an unobtainable answer, “he loves me, he loves me not.” The frightened lover shuffles through conflicting schemas to make sense of confusing data—inner fears constantly discoloring outer reality. Internal torments are expressed with emotional outbursts and solemn withdrawals.
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