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Home  |  Flourishing in Life  | Emotional Fitness | Self Hate

Self Hate

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | November 2016 (edited June 8, 2021)
Heart hands capturing the setting sun over the ocean. A Flourishing Life Society article on overcoming self hate
Adobe Stock Images
Self hate intrudes on life, heightening fears, and destroying confidence. We can overcome this mind disease and enjoy greater peace.
Striving for change doesn’t oppose personal acceptance. We can accept the present while working for a better future. Acceptance, both of the self and the moment, is essential to continued development, creating an environment that encourages growth.  Our emotional and intellectual growth naturally follows nurturing conditions. Unfortunately, many of us live in chaos, suffering from damaging pasts, and destructive self-judgments. Instead of growing, we protectively cower before experience, limiting opportunities and inviting disaster.
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
Dale Carnegie
Failures happen when striving for something better, extending beyond our normal. The failures, for some, are so distasteful they choose easier paths. Constantly demanding perfection in function but denying themselves challenges where perfection is improbable—taking the easy class, applying for non-demanding employment, or just sitting around and judging the failures of others.

​When we constantly demand perfection, we will distort reality to soothe the anxiety. The real, imperfect and unpredictable world doesn’t follow rules of perfection. We struggle, slip, and stumble through growing experiences. But if we expect perfection, real life becomes bitter and unbearable.

Key Definition:

Self hate is the continual feelings of inadequacy. We express self hate by pelting our psyche with harsh judgements, intense guilt, and self harming sabotage. 

Self-Hate and Insecurity

From the shaky foundation of self-hate, we approach life defensively to avoid incurring the battering of self recriminating thoughts; we rely on distractions rather than productive answers. This path destroys futures, limiting growth and narrowing the emotional experience of living.
 
Insecurities often accompany self-condemnations. We beat others to the punch by identifying weakness in ourselves first. To have others notice and point out our humanity is too much, often igniting strong defensive responses. The self-hated wanderer lives in perpetual shame.

​Young therapists and weekend psychologist are quick to point out flawed thinking, believing their adept analysis is the cure. Wrong! The identification doesn’t heal any more than the doctor discovering a cancerous tumor. Treatment cures. The identification may, however, provide the necessary knowledge for appropriate treatment. 
"Feelings of self-loathing are deeply painful, but exploring those emotions is the first step toward healing."
Psychology Today
A constant flow of energy spawned by critical judgments pounds the soul, harassing the psyche, interfering with life. The self-recriminations painfully express hate through failure. Unconsciously, stupid actions intercede before success is achieved—an accident before the final examine, infidelity before marriage, incomplete projects during promotional considerations. Self-views can lift or destroy, creating calm reassurance or devastating interference.

Key Definition:

Self Acceptance is when an individual accepts all of their attributes, both positive or negative.
The string of failures further damages the soul, weakening self-discipline and driving the lost deeper into the jungles of deception. Perhaps, life invites the passion of self hate, exhibiting itself in a true masochistic fashion.
 
Childhoods fraught with disruption, confusing demands and dissatisfaction burden the child with a lifetime of insecurities. The demanding and dissatisfied caregiver implants their disruptive lives into the soul of the child, continuing the powerful pangs of shame long after the child leaves home.

​The caregiver’s inner confusion prompts damaging responses to a child’s shyness, social aloofness or other slightly challenging personality trait, creating feelings of shame and ineptness. The child feels lack of skill to confront life. These marks on the soul taint future approach and retreat tendencies to opportunities.
"Everyone experiences occasional moments of frustration, shame, and regret. Self-loathing becomes a concern when feelings of inadequacy become pervasive and debilitating."
Psychology Today

We Can  Change Self-Condemning Thought Patterns 

The good news is our minds are powerful adapters. We can surmount the additional challenges of insecurity as adults. With help, we can spot the cluttered constructions of childhood, see how they drag us into the gallows of self-hate, and develop a rescuing game plan.
"In order to get over feelings of self-hatred, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms, understand the underlying causes and triggers, realize the powerful effects it has on your life, and finally, make a plan to get over those feelings of self-hatred and develop healthy coping skills to feel better." 
 Arlin Cuncic  | verywellmind
Our lives and our futures are at stake. Understanding reasons behind the emotional upheavals doesn’t solve the disruptions. The unforgiving laws of consequence are not swayed by righteous justifications, no matter how convincing the reason. We can’t bow to the past as an excusable cause to fail in the present. Actions justified or not face the consequences.
Young woman with face to the wind. Flourishing Life Society article on overcoming self hate.
Adobe Stock Images

Changing the Present Changes the Future

The present moment builds the foundation for future present moments. Present behaviors expand or diminish future opportunities. We don’t start each day with a clean slate devoid of the influences of the past. But soiled pasts don’t unequivocally condemn futures; we can escape—no longer servants to the past.

Curing Self Hate:

  1. Mindful Attention to Events Triggering Self Hatred
  2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
  3. Practice Positive Self Talk
  4. Reframe Negative Thoughts
  5. Spend Time with People that Make You Happy
  6. Intentionally Practice Self Compassion
  7. Ask for Help
Melanie Burke  | Healthline
​The game is not over. Impoverished childhood and destructive choices may impede but don’t necessarily destroy. The past matters but is not all consuming, change happens, lives improve, and happiness can be secured. We carry the aches and pains as tools of wisdom, artfully utilized to transverse consequences of poor decisions and unfortunate beginnings. Some carry sparsely equipped tool boxes; they require outside resources on their path to recovery. Others find the recovery through new associations and hobbies, requiring less guidance.  
Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273 TALK (8255).
Once we establish a new safe zone in the present, expressing increasing kindness with our selves, we begin to grow, slowly accumulating new strategies and skills, emerging through the dark difficulties of the past and discovering the warmth of joy in the present.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He is dedicated to the science of wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.
External Resources:
External Link: Be Free of Suffering
External Link: Charting Your Journey Into The Unknown
External Link: How to foster ‘shoshin’
External Link: We shouldn't use alcohol to blot out reality
Psychology of Wellness Banner link to Flourishing Life Society articles
Human Flourishing. Flourishing Life Society article link
Link to an alphabetical listing of Flourishing Life Society article topics
FLS link. Self-Sabotage: We hurt ourselves. We sabotage healthy endeavors to escape the discomfort of change, settling back into our self-made prisons of stagnation.
External Resources:
External Link. What is an Intention? Why are Intentions Important?
External Link: Read This If Your Flaws Continue to Trip You Up On Your Path to Success
External Link: The Wellness Moonshot: Take a Breath
mindful link banner. Article on self-kindness

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

Life has many wonderful parts; but it isn't always beautiful. As we work to improve, we must be patient and compassionate, working through the stubborn difficulties of self-improvement.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Self Deprecating
Frightened by Weakness. A Flourishing Life Society article link
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Kindsight. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Embracing Our Inner Child. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Banner link: Punishing Imperfection-  Critical self-judgments create an unfriendly environment for growth. Under harsh conditions the self-begins to conceal reality to protect the soul.
FLS Link. Self-forgiveness: Genuine self-forgiveness is a process of accepting responsibility, working through the emotions, repairing damage, and recommitting to values.
Life is Hard. A Flourishing Life Society article link
Facing Imperfection. Compassion with weakness. A Flourishing Life Society article link
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Gentleness

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