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Home | Personal Development | Why is Change so Difficult?

Why Is Change So Difficult?

Self-compassion and patience during change

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | September 2018 (edited January 19, 2021)
Change is Difficult. A man pushing a large boulder up a hill.
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We need self-compassion to engage in the difficult path to lasting change.
“How can I feel better?” we ask. We naturally want to feel good. Emotions of sadness, despair, and shame don’t feel good. When we experience unpleasantness, we want to escape. There’s no shortage of advice on how to accomplish this. We live in information overload. The internet is a blessing and hazard. Anyone can speak with authority; credentials optional. Sorting through the massive piles information, with both the credible and the ridiculous mashed together, is our challenge. While we work to discover more, maybe we should implement something simple. Be patient, be kind, and be forgiving. Life is complex, success alluding. We’ll get there but not immediately.

Sarah couldn't believe it. "The scale must be broken," she thought. After several days of watching her diet and adding exercise, she still hadn't lost weight. Frustrated and discouraged, she just wanted to quit. 

Effective Action

​Many skills notably improve our lives; but we must artfully identify proven remedies while refraining from the fluff. We must sort through advice, identifying foolishness—the tales told by idiots, “full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing,” and work on implementing proven remedies built on soundness.
​"Many skills notably improve our lives; but we must artfully identify proven remedies while refraining from the fluff."
Effective action must be understood in context. Even eating a proper diet and beginning exercise doesn't guarantee immediate results. However, persistence in doing what is right eventually takes hold and our lives begin to express the magnificent desired changes.

Self-Compassion during the Change Process

While we're waiting for change. Here’s my advice, throwing my thoughts on to the obnoxious heap of well-being directives. When we constantly ask, "How can I feel better?" our thoughts gravitate to what is wrong. What’s wrong becomes the focus. Naturally, we must identify errors in behavior; but too much focus on what’s wrong, ignoring what’s right, bothers the soul. Life always feels wrong if that is our focus. Improvement requires some tension, noticing error and working towards change. However, too many thoughts about what’s wrong disrupts. In our efforts to improve, we digress. We feel bad when all we see are the blotches.

Key Concept:

Self-compassion is necessary to weather the storms of slow and difficult changes.
Instead of harsh judgments for failings, we can accept some foibles. Humans feel pain, disappointment, guilt, sorrow and anger. The feelings are part of our human heritage. We work towards improvement, not because we are defective, but because we evolve. We encourage healthy growth with constructive behaviors.  The “what is wrong with me” thoughts discredit the sanctity of life, dampening aliveness, and discouraging internal motivations to change. We depress our souls, curl in the corner and endure the ruthless shocks of life.

See Learned Helplessness for more on this topic
Women struggling in front of computer.
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Stop the insanity; be kind to yourself (self-acceptance); be less judgmental. Practice patience. Engage in proven methods that promote growth. Find outlets for creative expression (healthy escapes). Practice compassion. Express forgiveness. Enjoy healthy relationships. As we address key areas that contribute to successful living, our feelings improve. By focusing on constructively doing, instead of what is wrong, our life naturally falls into place.
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T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He is dedicated to the science of wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

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External Links:
External Link. Why Putting Off Growth Work Only Makes Life More Complicated
External Link:  How To Stop Suffering And Take Control Over Your Life
External Link: Feeling grateful doesn’t help with depression or anxiety, says new study
External Link: Turning Wounds into Wisdom: The Power of Transforming Pain into Strength
Others with self control strengthen our self-control
External Link: How to Motivate Yourself When Everything Is Awful

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

FLS link. Excuses
FLS Link: Change is a four-letter word. We are threatened by the need to adapt; but successful maneuvering through the complex demands of an ever-moving world requires a flexing and adaptable approach. We must change, sacrificing some of our specialness for a happier and better existence.
FLS internal Link. Executive Functions | Purposeful Wellness. The fabulous brain employs executive functions to process vast flows of information to direct action in service of our wellness goals.
FLS link. Self-Sabotage: We hurt ourselves. We sabotage healthy endeavors to escape the discomfort of change, settling back into our self-made prisons of stagnation.
We live in a dynamic environment. When planning, we can't account for all possibilities. We must be flexible.
Freedom of Choice. Choosing the Direction of Our Lives. A Flourishing Life Society image link
We are engaged in a constant work of becoming, satisfying needs, entertaining wants, and creating meaning. We can do this purposely or haphazardly.
Keeping on trck when life obstacles interfere
Shortcuts to happiness may escape pain; but the temporary relief often has a high cost of  long-term trouble.
Opportunity Mindset. Looking for and Taking Advantage of Opportunities. A Flourishing Life Society article link
We improve the circumstances of our lives, moving from wilting to flourishing, with small manageable steps.
FLS Link: Creating a New Life.
Trying to feel better is a formidable challenge for many. The well-being industry has many theories. Success requires finding proven paths and patiently working towards a better life.
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