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Home | Flourishing Relationships | Intimate Relationship Archive | Love-Hate Relationships

Love-Hate Relationships

When Love Bounces Between Love and Hate

BY: T. Franklin Murphy | May 2012  (edited January 16, 2022)
Love-Hate Relationships. A man and woman dressed up. Woman crying and pulling away. A Flourishing Life Society article
Adobe Stock Photos
Love and hate relationships start with a bang but often fizzle into distrust, constantly bouncing between the extremes.
“Finally, I‘ve found the love of my life,” we triumphantly declare. “My soul mate—at last!” When past relationships have quickly fell in shambles, new love appears refreshing. But when the roadmap to successful relationships is mysterious, we see success in the first flashes of attraction, proclaiming greatness, decorating the experience with beautiful projections of deeper meaning. Many want love so bad they misconstrue the rush of gleeful beginnings for the security of carefully constructed intimacy.

An experienced therapist once warned a young apprentice, “You will on occasion have a new prospective client who, after a few visits, will praise with great embellishment. They will tell you how wonderful you are. They will triumphantly declare they finally found a therapist who understands. They will talk of the two of you making the perfect therapist-client match. Your ego will be stroked, and you will be inclined to believe in these wonderful affirmations; don’t take that client!”

Key Definition:

Love-Hate Relationships bounce between the extremities of love and hate. Love-hate relationships typically form from use of defense mechanisms to protect against relationship anxieties such as fear of abandonment. A common cognitive defense used in love-hate relationships is splitting, where the relationship is seen in all-or-nothing terms.

Allowing Differences 

We would be wise to ponder this insightful instruction, applying the wisdom to romance. Several years ago, I participated in an on-line community. On many occasions participants discovered a friendly spirit and romance ensued. Before even meeting, they would publicly share their lucky find—a soul-mate; the love of their life. Most these relationships ended as quickly as they started. Embedded within us is this yearning for a perfect match. This unrealistic expectation eventually invites disappointment when the imperfections of the imperfect partner are unveiled.

Unconditional love and complete acceptance are idealistic hogwash. Relationships scrutinized against these ideals eventually will be dashed against the hard rocks of reality. At some point, we will discover conflicts in desires, either because of differences or imperfections—there will always be episodes to address and disruptions to accept.
 
Whether we bond immediately with a therapist, a romantic partner, a friend, or the content of a facebook page, eventually differences will emerge that challenge the connection. Emotionally stable relationships require work, processing differences and working through conflicting emotions. With effort, we can resolve some of the differences but not all; some conflicts continually resurface, demanding attention, igniting minor tiffs or even exploding into relationship destroying brawls.

When challenges arise, we have choices: We can dissolve the relationship; we can suppress the emotions ignoring the evidence; we can demand change; or we can learn to love despite the divergence of ideas.
"Unconditional love and complete acceptance are idealistic hogwash." 

Unquestioning Love that Quickly Turns to Hate

 Over the last eight-years at Flourishing Life Society, many followers have come and gone. I have noticed a noteworthy pattern. Occasionally, a new follower arrives, liking and commenting daily. Some gush with great admiration, but time passes and the flowing praise ceases and they soon, I suppose, are lavishing comments at a new page they have found.

​The perfect match of philosophy seldom exists; eventually ideas will clash and challenge our commitment. With the variety of topics, and the frequency of posting on Flourishing Life Society, there will always be some differences. Soon the perfect match disappoints and the page is abandoned for another site where the engagement hasn’t yet revealed a difference.

These dramas are caused by a form of cognitive splitting. Relationships, employers, and social media providers are judged with rigid, non-flexible all-or-nothing thinking. Perfect or terrible is the only choice. The countless shades of complexity are dismissed for cognitive ease. I love you; until I hate you. 
 
The next time you find that perfect match—your soul-mate—slow down and ask, “does it only seem perfect because the relationship hasn’t encountered its first conflict?” “How will I respond when I discover relationship differences that cause discomfort?” and equally important, “How will my partner respond?” We don’t need to rush to the conflict; but we should be prepared when they arrive. And they will arrive. Will the soul mate become the hated adversary?

Processing Displeasure in a Partner Without Hating Them

We need skills to process displeasure if we want the enjoyments of a lasting relationship. Relationship skills are perishable and dynamic. People are not perfectly predictable, surprises will arise throughout the relationship. With refined skills, we can skillfully navigate through the choppy waters while enjoying the benefits of security and love.

Intimacy demands we work through occasional distressing emotions. Successful couples are not successful because of being perfectly matched; they’re successful because they have the emotional maturity and skill to resolve conflict, building the bonds of trust.

​Those who routinely explode when things don’t feel right or hide behind a mask of indifference create a new dynamic to the relationship. Their partners feel threatened, unable to predict which triggers will ignite dangerous tantrums. Instead of comfortable connection, partners to these volatile people learn that differences can be dangerous. They begin to protect by curtailing openness, expressions are guarded, hoping to avoid another unfavorable encounter.
 
When pasts conflicts with a partner has been treacherous, new encounters are tainted with that knowledge, beneath the surface of the immediate issue lies these unresolved hurts. Past discussions that ended badly leave us tender during new disagreements. Embedded emotions resurface and easily overwhelm. With change, trust can be established, over time new interactions can prove the relationship to be a place of safety.
 
We can start peeling away the layers of hurt, and step by step invite the beginnings of intimacy. Trust creates security; security builds trust. Only when we work through the conflicts can we achieve the closeness we desire, utilizing our strengths, drawing upon outside resources and refraining from the push to run upon normal collisions with differences. I love you; you are different, but we can work through this.
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Previously titled "You're the Best Ever; I Hate You"
T. Franklin Murphy
T. Franklin Murphy
Wellness. Writer. Researcher.
​T. Franklin Murphy has a degree in psychology. He tirelessly researches scientific findings that contribute to wellness. In 2010, he began publishing his findings.

Index:

Flourishing in Life
  • Personal Development
  • Mindfulness
  • Addiction Recovery
  • Wellness 
Psychology of Wellness
  • Emotions​
  • Personality
  • Defense Mechanisms
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About Flourishing Life
External Links:
External Link. Exercise ‘sweet spot’ reverses cognitive decline
External Link: How Your Brain Processes Rejection
External Link. Understanding Argument Styles Is The Secret To A Happy Relationship
External Link. 15 Things Deeply In Love Couples Do Daily
External Link: How Micromanipulations Help Narcissists Stay in Control

​Other Flourishing Life Society articles of interest on this topic:

FLS Link. Recovering from a Toxic Relationship: Healing from relationship hurts takes time. We can aid healing through these practices.
Emotional Validation. A Flourishing Life Society article link
FLS internal Link. Abandonment or Engulfment: Partners will inevitably face a mismatch in attachment styles. The difference doesn't matter as much as how the couple approaches and works through the difference.
Mixed in with the beauty are some sorrows. When we are well-connected, occasionally, along with the joys are some tears.
Internal Link. Building Love: Love is created not found. We naturally are attracted; but from attraction we build lasting love.
FLS Link: Gaslighting: A techniques common to controlling narcissists is gaslighting. The controller creates instability by creating revolving realities. We fight this through individuality and protective boundaries.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. An article on marriage and loneliness
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. A Flourishing Life Society article link
FLS Link. Entangled relationships
Intimate communication. A flourishing life Society article link
Internal link banner. Self-importance and Vulnerability: We want to be more than a speck on a fast moving planet.  Healthy relationships create a feeling of importance, inclusion in a meaningful partnership; but at the cost of vulnerability.
Flourishing Life Society article on Love and Fear
FLS link: Emotional Intimacy | Creating Space for sharing. A psychological battle of opposing needs requires purposeful effort to meet both safety and belonging needs.
A Flourishing Life Society article link. Commitment Issues
Relationship Drama article link.
Attachment Injury. Breaches of Trust in Critical Moments. A Flourishing Life Society article image link
The instant attachment, finding a soul mate, sounds like a fairy tale; but often is laced with hidden problems. Take it slow.
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