We aren't perfect. Potential partners must be afforded the same. If we expect perfection, everyone will eventually let us down. When I first compiled this list, my perspectives were rigid. Any list, such as this, must be used with flexibility.
Signs of danger are important. We must pause and examine, stepping away from the blinding love chemicals that dim our views. If we have a history of dating narcissistic partners that hurt, the signs must be heeded. Take time, use your head and your heart, and then move forward in a life of love.
Ten Warning Signs
1. Boundary Violations: When a potential partner makes frequent unannounced visits, calls, and a barrage of unwelcomed text messages, while ignoring your requests there is concern. The narcissist dismisses your obligations (as unimportant). Making plans without your input and then claims victimization when you don’t comply by missing work, cancelling appointments and adjusting other social engagements.
2. Too perfect: your date is too charming, has all the right lines, comes across as excessively smooth. Your date loves everything you love and hates everything you hate. This too perfect romance is often headed for unresolvable conflicts.
3. A Hidden Life: When a person conceals important information about him or herself, the hidden story often conveys disturbing truths. If you discover inconsistencies, routine missed dates or extended disappearances, you should be suspicious. Evaluate how much you know about this person after several dates. If much is still unknown, such as where they work, live and play, there is most likely much more to the story then what has been presented. Ask direct question; if the answers are vague, it may be time to flee.
4. Unhealthy Jealousy: Your prospective partner discourages time with outside interests, family, and friends. They invade privacy by searching your phone, email, or documents. When partners spy, experiencing extreme mood swings when you say “Hi,” or text someone else, they are driven by powerful insecurities that may eventually lead to abuse. It may seem cute at first; but very troublesome as the relationship progresses.
5. Lack of Stability: When a person’s life is chaotic, the relationship is most likely to also be chaotic. Do they have frequent jobs changes with extended times of unemployment, unmet financial obligations, high credit card balances, and no secure housing? We want a lover not an unfixable project.
6. Doesn't Respect You: A date that pesters you to do things you already expressed a desire not to do, they are disrespecting your individuality. They don’t not respect your right to say “No," to their requests, arguing that your boundary is defective. This suggests they will manipulate, lie and continually ignore your personal autonomy.
7. Other Dysfunctional Relationships: When a date’s past is littered with broken relationships, lawsuits, continued fights with parents, children and ex-lovers, the evidence suggests they don’t know how to conduct themselves with others.
8. Long History of Addictions: Drugs, pornography, gaming, easily take over a life. Inviting an addict into an intimate relationship doesn’t solve the problem, it makes the problem yours.
9. Immediate Attachment: If your date pushes for immediate commitment, introduces marriage talk early, and drowns conversations with Soul Mate references, beware. Those with dangerous tendencies seek commitment early to avoid the difficult process of getting to know each other first. Self-exposure may have been fatal to past relationships and is threatening.
10. Uncontrolled Spending: At first a high rolling partner may be fun. Behind the adventures, new car, and fancy dinners may be burdensome debt. Beware, uncontrolled spending spills over into many aspects of life. Soon you may find that you are shouldering an expensive spending habit.
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